The Scroll, and The Quest for a Random Mythological Object
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In a small pocket of time, in a small pocket of a partial reality stood Derek, Jeremy, and Brian in front of a ancient Arabian palace.
"Last one there is a motlen peg," cried Brian.
"It's 'rotten egg' you moron," replied Derek in what seemed like an intelligent voice, but of course Derek was not capable of actual intelligence.
It was at this moment that they realized that Jeremy had already entered the palace and cleverly sealed the entrance. Jeremy looked around for any sign of the treasure inside the ancient tomb of a palace. Skeletons of monkeys and small humanoid figures lay strewn all over the ground. Jeremy was not concerned about the negligible gold scattered over the floor, he was focused on the main treasure. Unlike the other two blokes, he alone knew what was in this ancient structure: a 12-sided ruby with the ability to grant wishes. One needed only to hold the ruby and speak the desires of his heart and it would be given unto him. Jeremy entered a lower chamber, and after carefully dusting off some ancient writings he determined that the ruby must be in the next room. Being the genius that he is, he immediately solved the room's puzzle and entered into the chamber containing the ruby. But wait! He beheld a horrible site. The ruby was not on its pedestal, it was in the hands of none other than Betsey Bayless.
"Ha Ha! It appears that you are a merely seconds late my friend. Now you and the others shall perish by my hand. Only you shall perish slowly. So slowly, in fact, that I may let my pride get to me and end up losing like normal. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!"
"Uh, right... why don't you just give me the ruby now and save yourself the hassle?"
"Because, that would make for a very short story and would eliminate the intended cliche of it all."
"Oh, I see."
"Anyway, back to business. I WISH DEREK AND BRIAN WERE HERE TO SEE THIS."
Almost instantaneously, Derek and Brian appeared looking rather disoriented and as dumb as usual.
"What the..." gawked Derek, in a rather idiotic voice. "It's you."
"Why yes, yes it is. In fact, it is very obvious that I'm standing here and that I have retained my identity. That was a very unintelligent thing to say, so typical of your type. For my second wish, I WISH THE DEREK, JEREMY, AND BRIAN WOULD SWITCH HEADS."
As soon as the final "s" of her word crept out of the foul corner of her mouth, Derek's head leapt onto Jeremy's body, Jeremy's head floated gingerly over to Brian's body, and Brian's poorly constructed noggin lobbed its way onto Derek's body attaching slightly off center.
"And now the final phase of my plan: I WISH I WAS WORLD EMPEROR!"
As soon as she said this, a bright flash shone throughout the catacombs of this tomb. As soon as Brian and Jeremy regained their sight, Derek's thick glasses had magnified the light to a ludicrous point that he became blind, they gasped at what they beheld. Well...not so much gasped as laughed. For the only difference that Betsy Bayless had undergone was that there was now a sash draped across her chest that read "world emperor" and there was a Burger King crown on her head. Suddenly, a mysterious pair of hands handed her a bouquet of flowers which she promptly threw to the ground in a fit of rage. Brian, or at least his body, saw this as his chance to reclaim the situation. He charged forward, using Jeremies (negating any form of ownership) head as a battering ram and hit Betsy in the stomach while simultaneously impaling the already empty orb with the ruby. Brian's arms then reached up and pulled out the jewel, releasing the air in Jeremies head and deflating it.
"Finally," said Brian's head, "Now to correct this erroneous error. I WISH THAT MY BODY AND HEAD WERE REJOINED, WITH NO FUNNY STUFF! AND THAT DEREK'S ARMS WERE REPLACED WITH HAM, JEREMY'S LEGS WITH BETSY BAYLESS'S DIGNITY, AND BETSY BAYLESS'S INFLATED EGO WITH A PIECE OF TAFFY, WITH PLENTY OF FUNNY STUFF!"
When Brian finished his wish, Jeremy caught a glint of the scarlet gem in Brian's eyes. However, his eyes were not filled with fiendish delight, as they should have been, they were filled with horror. His wished had not been granted, and the gem began to melt in his hands. Blood-colored liquid poured forth from the ruby as it disintegrated into nothingness. The only remnant left was a half piece of crinkled up, college rule notebook paper that read, "Thank you for using The Geminator. The Geminator has experienced an illegal operation and will be shut down. (ERROR CODE: Ex0034A9 - Expected ';') Self destruction complete. Logging off..."
Brian let out a feminine sigh of frustration as Betsey Bayless started to giggle in her raspy, metallic voice. As soon as Jeremy's head was finished being reborn, (Jeremy's head has the capability of recreating itself after sustaining mortal damage much like the phoenix is reborn from its ashes) he used Brian's body to not-so-gently push Betsey Bayless into the quicksand surrounding The Geminator's shrine. Jeremy's body started posing and flexing as Derek's still blind head enjoyed its new muscular body. As Betsey Bayless's screams faded away as sand entered her lungs, Brian spoke...
"Well, we're stuck here," Brian said.
"What do you mean?" Derek asked, munching on one of his fingers. "Mm, honey-glaze."
Brian gave Derek an annoyed look, achieved by crossing his eyes and touching his nose with the tip of his tongue. "I mean that we can't get out."
Jeremy tottered slightly, trying to get used to using Betsey Bayless' dignity to walk. It wasn't working very well. "Sure we can," he said. "We just go out the door."
The last part of this was muffled as he walked into a wall.
Brian used language that so mortified the scribe that it will not be included here. "No, I mean Jeremy sealed the door," he said when he was done being foul. "Moron. Now we can't get out."
"I hate to, um, add to the wonderful happy vibe here," Derek said, staring at something behind the others, "but I think that quicksand is spreading."
The ring of dark sand was growing slowly but steadily outward. The room wasn't all that large. Jeremy did some quick ridiculously-high-level calculus problems in his head. They only had two minutes and forty eight seconds until there would be no safe ground.
"How is this happening?" he pondered, but then he realized the answer. "Bayless," he growled.
Unbeknownst to the 3 semi-geniuses, (nowhere near as intelligent as the scribe writing this continuation) Betsy Bayless's displacement in the quicksand was enough to fill the entire Gem Chamber. Quickly sensing that they were in grave danger, the three intrepid gem seekers used Derek's leftover brackets from his braces to quickly build a staircase to the well concealed air conditioning vent above. As soon as the last one, Derek of course, was through the vent, the three were suddenly falling into the room the vent they crawled through went into. Once they stood up, Jeremy looked around and said...
"Why is there an air-conditioning vent in an ancient Arabian palace?" After this, Jeremy said, "Ouch!" Jeremy was too busy speaking earlier that he did not notice that he hit the ground. Once he took notice of this he began to ache. Jeremy looked around to find Brian unconscious next too him. Derek, he saw, was above him stuck in the vent, also unconscious. He had fainted from fear, just like always.
Jeremy rose to his feet... er... Betsey Bayless's dignity (which he apparently still had) to realize that they were in the exact same room as before, and to his complete dismay, there was The Geminator on the pedestal. "Wow, that is strange," he announced intuitively to the uninterested silence. He read the inscription on the pedestal which said, "THE GEMINATOR 2.0 - The Geminator 2.0 has been programmed with a new intelligent error handling technology and now supports Macintosh."
"Oh great, now even Derek can figure out how to use it." Jeremy picked up volleyball-sized ruby and proclaimed, "I WISH THAT MY BODY WAS RETURNED TO NORMAL... uh... INCLUDING MY NOSE JOB." The ruby shone forth and restored his body to its glorious state. Jeremy smiled with delight and then said, "I WISH I WAS OUT OF THIS PLACE!"
The inscription on the pedestal shifted. "System error," it read. "The Geminator 2.0 cannot process such arbitrary requests. Please make a wish that is more convoluted and complicated, with more ability for amusing mistakes. Nice try," it added.
Due to Jeremy's diminutive intellect he was unable to fully comprehend the Geminator's "complex wording" and so he said, "Okay then, I wish that Brian was free of this place."
As Jeremy finished speaking these words, Brian's body glowed a pinkish-orange and he faded away into nothingness. Brian appeared in midair 10 furlongs above the city of Venice. Quickly he realized that being 10 furlongs above the city of Venice was not exactly what he had hoped for when Jeremy freed him from the ancient tomb. With this thought, he let out a loud, shrilly wail in desperate panic. Meanwhile, Derek and Jeremy were wondering where he was.
"Good Riddance," said Jeremy, "Now where was I?"
Mr. Salas, leader of the Charleston Gang, (in his secret location around Tucson, AZ) has been taken over by the almighty mysterious KoMpToNaToR, sent from the future to take over. The KoMpToNaToR is composed of polypneumatic alloys which are impervious to all know types of gunshots, and etc...
After Jeremy had recalled that rather strange news bulletin he had heard years before, which had nothing to do with the story whatsoever, He again spoke out loud, "Now where was I?"
This was, after all, a sincere question, not a transition back to the main story line after a few tangents like most readers would assume. Due to all the distractions and random news bulletins, Jeremy, (having the memory of a common goldfish), had completely forgotten what was going on. Upon finding this glowing object in his hands, he mistook it for a larger Magic 8 BallŪ. He shuffled off to the side and began muttering questions. A few moments later, confused by its lack of response, he threw it down in tears. "Now I'll never know if I'll take over the world and if Betsey likes me!" he wailed. Derek, seeing that Jeremy was consumed by emotion, took this chance to pocket the gem. Derek, after all had very, very large volleyball sized pockets.
Brian, meanwhile, was still hovering over Venice. After pondering for a few days about what unit of measurement exactly a furlong was and whether there were furshorts, he realized that he could move quite freely with in a 2.234 furlong by 1.111 furlong fursquare. A large group of Venetians had gathered, both horrified and intrigued by this suspended sight. Of course, a gathering of people brought just one villainous thought to his mind...
So Brian, seeing the wonderful situation he was in, decided to use his naturally amplified, yet annoying, voice to convince the throngs of Venetians that he was the returned messiah. After his very intriguing speech, the Venetians got a very tall crane (how many furlongs I cant remember) and brought Brian down. Now Brian had a small Italian city state under his power.
Jeremy and Derek found a small wormhole and used it to exit the ancient palace. Jeremy kept muttering to himself, "Why was I here again?" and all the while Derek was smiling. Then when Derek felt he was a suitable distance away from the palace, (his weak legs could carry him no more) he pulled out the gem. "Wow, that's pretty," said Jeremy, still with no recollection of the day's events.
Derek, with a sinister smile replied, "Yes, Jeremy, yes it is. I WISH THAT I WAS A..." Derek trailed off in thought.
He was still deciding when Jeremy placed his hand on the gem and said dreamily, "Pretty gem."
The gem glowed a pale orange color and Derek, his wish being completed, turned into a large blue gem with pink ribbon tied around it. Jeremy picked of both gems, and headed off into the horizon.
After a couple steps, he remembered why he was there. "Oh yeah, I came here to steal the..." Jeremy said as he gazed at what he was holding at his left side, "Excellent."
Once Brian had consolidated this city-state much to his liking, (statues erected, a trembling and brainwashed populous, etc.) he sent out his loyal legions to "find" and "have a chat" "with" Derek and Jeremy. As he looked from his tower onto the rows and rows of spears before him marching off into the distance he laughed for the first time in this scribe's present narration. Muha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
After walking for about 50 paces, Jeremy soon found himself surrounded by a group of Brian's hirelings. "Excuse me," he asked politely, but who might you be?"
"We are the servants of Brian, and we have been sent to 'find' you and 'have a chat' with you."
"Is that so?... Would, you care to chat over tea?"
"Hmm... Yes, this would be pleasing to us, as Brian has denied us tea since his coming."
Jeremy and Brian's hirelings had a nice chat over some tea. Apparently Brian's hirelings work on a very literal sense, and despite Brian's cruel laughter, they still did not comprehend the fiend's connotation of the phrase 'have a chat.' This was, of course, pleasing to Jeremy, and after learning all that he could about Brian, he bid Brian's hirelings farewell and went on his way. "Hmmm... well, let's see... ah... I WISH THAT I WAS GENERAL AND KING OF A POWERFUL NATION." Right before his eyes, the scenery transformed into a large city. Jeremy was raised high into the air on a platform and was surrounded by guards. His heart took joy as he gazed over thousands of armed warriors as far as the eye could see. They all were awaiting his word. "Now, it's time to declare war on Brian."
As Jeremy's army marched off into the distance to rage war on Brian, Jeremy, as well as the narrator, forgot one key element that proved disastrous, as well as provided a comical relief, to any war tale. Jeremy's palace was precariously placed on a giant plateau in Venezuela and due to the cloud cover, the army just marched right off the edge (although it is questionable if this would not have happened otherwise). Jeremy never realized this, and so he sat there patiently for an undeterminable amount of time playing with a single colored Rubix cube. When he couldn't figure it out he asked the gem for the solution, and as he rubbed it, a genie materialized from it. "What is it now!" he shouted, making Jeremy soil his pants (as well as Derek who was presently indisposed in an extremely slow puddle of quicksand). "All you do is think about what you want. Me, me, me! Well I'm sick of it!" With that, the genie used his magical powers to transform Jeremy into a lazy, uneducated, simplistic minded slob...um, well, I guess his powers were not that great, but regardless, the genie jumped off the ledge afterwards and was never seen again. Well, I suppose I shouldn't say 'never seen again', perhaps, 'not seen again until the optimal time'.
Five minutes later, the optimal time occurred. The genie's fall was broken by Jeremy's army, and miraculously, neither the genie nor Jeremy's army were hurt in the fall, which was, also miraculously, 4.5 feet. Jeremy set down the Rubix cube (which was now solved,) changed his pants, and then walked over to the edge of the cliff. He took one step too far and fell off the edge, landing on the genie.
After both arose, the genie rubbed his head and said, "Ouch, my head... Hey, why was I mad at you again?"
Jeremy smiled blankly and replied, "I don't remember either, but I forgive you."
The genie nodded charitably and then disappeared back inside the gem.
Jeremy caressed the gem and proclaimed his next wish, "I WISH THAT MY SOLDIERS WERE INDESTRUCTABLE!" With that, a mystical glow unveiled across Jeremy's entire gigantic army.
"Now! On to Venice!" commanded Jeremy.
Then, in a voice so low that only the reader could understand, Jeremy uttered, "Now, not even an ocean can stop me."
Away from the corrupted Empires of the Jeremy, Brian, and Derek, was a small island where only a small community of above average intelligent people dwelt. Among them was a young above average, beautiful, clever, talented woman named Roni. One day, as she sat on the outskirts of the above average community, she decide it was time for her to take was rightfully hers. So she walked into the city, stood on a rock and exclaimed, "Citizens of this above average community, my heart goes out to you. You poor idiots left on your own, I will help you. But... never mind I think you would not wish to know."
"Okay," yelled one of the above average community and began to walk away.
"Your right" remarked the Roni. "You obviously haven't the foresight and fortitude it would take for a successful future."
Murmurs came from the crowd, and they began to gather round as one citizen yelled, "We do too! You must remember that we are an above average people and will not fall for your reverse psychological comments. But I am sure we would all be interested in exactly what you think we should do."
"Devote your lives to me!"
At that instant the Roni drew forth a large pocket watch and began waving it in front of the community, putting them all in a large trance. "I will be your absolute ruler and you shall dedicate your life to me! WHA HA HA HA HA!"
So the Roni began to set up new policies, rules, regulations, ceremonies, calendars, and clocks which now had a 13th month and a 13th hour. So everything was going as planned until the Roni discovered she'd not be satisfied until she ruled the world! So she built a ship, or more correctly, her people built a boat, and she filled it with a variety of weapons including radioactive cheeseballs. The most ingenious of them all. Who would suspect a cheeseball. They are the most desired thing at any party and exploded into flame when thrown at high speed into concrete and metals. Along with them were the brain-washing Ritz crackers, the Mind Controlling Wheat Thins, and the Stunning Saltines. So the Roni set forth on her journey, and thanks to the amazing technology of her boat, she reached land in a half hour. She now took her first step in the land of the Derecians.
"Time for a party," she thought.
As soon as these words were uttered a gigantic foot came down and squashed her, thus ending the footnote of the woman with an inferiority complex named Rona, er, whatever her name was, its not really important. But now back to the real story at hand.
Unfortunately for Jeremy, he had apparently forgotten the invaluable lessons learned in the popular video game Oregon Trail. (Now available in a garage sale bargain bin near you!) As his troops tried to ford the ocean, they subsequently lost all of their oxen, 500 bullets, 5 shot buffalo, 2 axels, and little Timmy. With no provisions and many of the troops being bit by sea snakes, they were easily defeated by the infinitely adequate army of the Brian. Because they would not die, they were merely tied together into a gigantic ball and floated back to South America.
"Curses, I have been foiled," Jeremy said as he floated gingerly over the ocean.
Jeremy was now nearing Brian's place of residence, but was still rather sore about losing his whole army and everything. It meant nothing; however, he still had the gem.
He arrived at Brian's palace and entered the throne room, easily dispatching the guards through unarmed combat. He found Brian sitting upside down on his pink throne, still laughing about Jeremy's army. Jeremy pulled out the gem and Brian stood up, now with a serious look on his face.
"Gives it to us," he requested with an evil grimace.
Then with a noble and steady voice, Jeremy spoke, "I WISH THAT BRIAN'S HANDS WERE SWITCHED WITH HIS FEET!"
Right as Brian was about to leap onto Jeremy, his feet and hands switched places causing him to fall down, dealing 6 HP of damage to himself. He continued to growl and gnash his blackened teeth together like a beast.
"Your reign of terror is ended!" Jeremy proclaimed. "I WISH THAT I HAD A LARGE MEGAPHONE!"
With his large megaphone Jeremy spoke to all of Venice, "Brian has been defeated, come now and reclaim your city. Rid yourself of his disgusting carcass. Be free once again!"
Jeremy heard a muttering behind him, and managed to turn just as the gem disappeared. Shocked, Jeremy stood there dumbfounded as Derek said, "I WISH JEREMY AND BRIAN DID NOT HAVE MOUTHS OR HANDS." And it was so. Next Derek said, "I WISH JEREMY AND BRIAN, AND ALL THERE RESPECTIVE CLONES, MINIONS, AND BETSEY BAYLESSI WERE UNABLE TO MOVE." And it was so. Then Derek said, "Now I suppose I owe all of yous an explanation... but I won't give you one." Derek then wished that Jeremy and Brian were unable to hear or communicate with any one or anything. The next thing Brian and Jeremy knew, they were buried up to their necks next to a giant anthill.
Derek then walked out onto the balcony and was hailed king by all living and most of the nonliving elements of the city.
The scribe then questioned Derek as to where he had been, for posterity's sake. Derek responded with a tale so fascinating and spell binding that to place it in writing would be to imperil the minds of most readers. However, in brief Derek mentioned how he remembered running across the LOST TEMPLE OF GUNUSHU while he was living outside of space and time. He remembered the little old man who was quite excellent at chess and who had taught him how to survive outside of space and time. They also played many a game of chess, and Derek felt like going back for another go. Using his fearsome intellect, Derek opened a portal outside of space and time and proceeded to play a series of riveting games of chess. In the end he emerged victorious with five games to three, and as a reward he was given a ring that would give him one wish. Derek couldn't remember when he left, but he came back in at what looked like an interesting moment in time and wished for the gem. The rest of Italy then voted to join with The Derek and his empire expanded still further. Meanwhile, Brian had his left eye eaten by ants, and Jeremy lost both of his eyebrows.
When Derek was done imagining what he was going to do after he was turned back into a human from his "pretty gem" state, something extraordinary happened. Not to Derek, just somewhere else in the world. In fact, that extraordinary thing has no real importance and could have been excluded completely from mention.
After Jeremy finished his incredibly articulate speech, the people of Venice swarmed to the palace and carried Brian off tied to one of those sticks that is used to roast pigs in cartoons. It was highly ironic because Brian actually did look like a pig, with his rosy cheeks, pot belly, and curly tail... wait... it wasn't Brian at all, it was a pig. Jeremy gazed across the room to see Brian crawling into the next room.
"I WISH THAT THE PALACE WAS MADE OF MAYONNAISE!"
The palace become very unstable as it converted from its stone and metal construction into the gelatinous state of mayo. Jeremy, a natural mayo swimmer, swam to the surface and escaped to dry ground, but not without eating some of the mayonnaise to endow him with Ultra Mayo Powers. Jeremy, laughed as he saw Brian gasping and choking as the mayonnaise pulled him under to his grave. With that, Jeremy walked away in content.
It can be seen why Jeremy believed that Brian's grave would have been that gelatinous glob of goo, for none were as adept at mayo swimming as Jeremy was...or were they...the answer is no. Brian was enveloped by the substance quickly and painfully, but then something happened, something that had not happened for ages. As the mayo went down Brian's throat and filled his lungs, it was met by a foe even it did not expect, his immune system. In some sort of Germish it proclaimed, "The body is shut, it was made by the cells and the cells keep it, the body is shut. Now you shall die." Because it was Mayo 232, it had a primitive form of intelligence, yet enough of one to realize that its position was so perilous that it must capitulate or face certain doom. "I shall do your bidding my lord," echoed the mayo.
Meanwhile, as Jeremy was smugly walking away, a shadow covered the ground around him. He looked behind him to behold a giant tidal wave of mayo. It viciously swept him away, to where, none know save myself, but I don't feel like revealing it at this time. All that needs to be said is that Jeremy was deeply hurt by the betrayal of his kin and life blood.
Suddenly Brian and Jeremy, who had been driven mad by pain and denial, came to their senses. This sudden return to rationality can be accurately attributed to the slow lumbering approach of an anteater. Brian, mistaking the anteater for THE GIANT MAN-EATING SLOTH OF GUNUSHU, promptly fainted. Jeremy hadn't seen the anteater yet; his attention was distracted by a message that fell from the air and gave him a viscous paper cut on his nose. On it was written a piece of The Scroll. It read, "Derek responded with a tale so fascinating and spell binding that to place it in writing would be to imperil the minds of most readers..." As Jeremy mindlessly stared at that little slip of paper, the wind blew, the paper moved, and Jeremy saw the anteater. Believing it to be Betsey Bayless, Jeremy attempted a scream, realized he had no mouth, and fainted.
Jeremy awoke moments later from his faint, which was from low oxygen levels, not from the paper that had fallen from the sky. After he reread it, he recognized it as the only positive review that Derek's book had ever gotten. His book had been published nearly a decade ago. It had received terrible reviews except for this one which was actually rumored to be written by himself under the name of "Chip Skylark".
Jeremy threw the paper down, kicked the anteater away, initiated the mayonnaise self-destruct, and proclaimed in a godly voice, "I WISH THAT I WAS BACK IN MY PALACE SITTING IN MY THRONE WITH A BOX OF SALTINE CRACKERS AND A JONES SODA."
With this, Jeremy vanished from the site and returned home, being quite content about the fact that he had managed to destroy both his enemies in one day.
Unfortunately for Jeremy, the phrase "destroy both his enemies" only constituted confusing Derek with a few quips and colloquialisms and running away from Brian and his overwhelming intellectual and physical superiority. After Jeremy had left, Brian entertained himself by hurling peanut shells at the currently fetal-positioned Derek.
His benign being just rocked back and forth muttering, "Siege, I before E except after C, I before E except after C..."
After a while, Brian found this behavior to be pathetic and he proceeded to start throwing poison dart frogs, thus furthering Derek's already diluted, psychotic, self-serving view of reality as seen by previous occasions when he stole the pen from me and began to write his own history in The Scroll.
After about 2 or 3 hours of throwing dart frogs, Brian became restless and went home. He had a horrible mayo infection, and he couldn't breathe well. He ended up being hospitalized and bed-ridden for two months. Meanwhile Derek, after recovering from his pride-induced insanity, began a journey of self discovery by visiting places along the coast of the Atlantic Ocean. Needless to say, he was driven out of nearly every town he visited.
Jeremy continued to make dozens of unimportant wishes throughout the next few months until one day when he was playing poker with his Grandma, an ol' Engl'sh Gent', and an 8-year-old boy named Saundra. In a hand of historical importance, Saundra ended up winning with a straight flush, taking Jeremy's grandma's pearl necklace of invisibility, the ol' E'gli'h Gent's time-stopping gold pocket watch, and the Geminator 2.0. Saundra's life did not extend too far after that event, but the lost artifacts were never recovered.
