At last I have done it. By stealing and utilizing the highly carbonated beverage known as the elixir of life, I have prolonged my life indefinitely, which has given me ample time to engage in ludicrously time consuming endeavors. In this instance, I have successfully created an interdimensional boring vessel, which is able to freely travel between an unlimited number of plausible worlds on 87 octane fuel. The objective of this was to determine the one and only dimension in which Jeremy was able to grow his multidimensional warts, which have menaced the mortal realms for countless ages. (I determined, using the sum of the square of pi and the square root of two that there was only one theoretically plausible location that he could be). I set the coordinates to EG1981 and found myself in a dry, barren landscape. I then proceeded to drill down 150 miles into the earth, for that is the only place in which there are conditions suitable for cultivating such ghastly devices. Down I drilled, down 149 miles. At that point I thought I heard a mysterious rumbling, but decided to continue onward. As I covered the last mile, I was plagued by my short attention span, but I persevered and finally broke through the roof of Jeremy's "secret" lab (ostensibly referred to as "The Ratz Nest"). I exited my interdimensional boring vessel and commenced exploring. Soon I noticed Jeremy and Mr. Mayo playing title'e'winks. Jeremy stood up and yelled at Mr. Mayo in another language. As if by magic, their bodies became one and started glowing gold. After a series of anime style grunts, Jeremy finished charging his super beam, and fired it at me from his handsome, strong hands. For a split second I was attracted to him, but when the beam was inches from me, I decided to try and block the beam weapon. Curse my feeble body! The beam shattered my left arm and knocked me, paralyzed, onto my back. With that he bid me a cheerful adieu and the whole room seemed to melt away to blackness. He had sent me to another dimension. Luckily he had sent the interdimensional boring vessel with me. Blast him! On the door there was a note that read, "I have hidden the ignition key somewhere in the darkness of this forsaken dimension. I hope this moldy crust of bread and half-eaten tootsie roll pop tide you over until you find it. Ha Ha Mu! Ha Ha Mu! From Jeremy". At this, instead of crying like he had hoped I would, I proceeded to shake my head in utter disgust and contempt for him. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the key locator that came free with the chia pet that I had purchased the previous week for $19.95. The keys were quickly retrieved and I proceeded to travel back into the dimension to combat Jeremy and his fatty friend. When the interdimensional boring vessel did what its name indicates, I found myself confronted by a massive, oozing statue of Mr. Mayo. I then engaged in a brief period of confused and profane banter before I realized that Jeremy had rewired my keypad so that I would emerge within the planet of the mayonnaise. Amused at the prospect of a planet peopled only by Mayo, I began to laugh. I had a cold at the time so it sounded something like, "Mu Hac Ha! Mu Hac Ha!" As my mockery reverberated through the mayonnaise edifice, I planned my next move. Unfortunately my booming laughter caused a reverberation continually increasing in magnitude. The poorly constructed supports (mayonnaise not having the opposable thumbs necessary to create a well crafted one) were unable to withstand the booming sound waves and consequently the structure came crashing down, burying me in a giant putrid pile of smoldering mayonnaise. I had to swim to the surface of the collapsed building. I reached the surface just before I would've blacked out. I peered around, but saw nothing but mayonnaise. I could not find my vessel either. I looked above me and saw mayo birds, mayo clouds, Derek, mayo insects. Suddenly, after a quick triple take, I locked my eyes back on Derek. He was falling at an abnormally fast rate. As he crashed into the mayo, there was a large wave of it that nearly engulfed my pathetic, stinky body. It looked as if I was not the only loser stuck in this massive planet of mayo. I soon became overwhelmed by the putrid, vile rank odor that the foul thing excreted. When was the last time Derek had taken a bath? I lost consciousness, for how long I do not know, but when I awoke I found myself being carried in a cage through the streets. There were mayo civilians along the streets shouting insults and hurling non-fattening projectiles at us. As I gathered sharp objects that could be used later for my escape, Derek began to regale me in the course of events that led him here. He took no real heed that I neither asked nor cared to hear his whining voice.


--Derek--

I glanced down at the whimpering form at my feet, could that skinny whining fool cringing on the planks of the cart really be Brian? Could my never quite worthy adversary really have fallen so low? Yes. A quick DNA scan confirmed my suspicions. Just to be sure I also checked his fingerprints, dental history, and retinal tissue; yep it was Brian. Well, not having anything better to do I began to regale the cringing incompetent with my tale. "I had been minding my own business, trying to stay out of the squabbles that have amused Brian, Jeremy, and I for countless millennium. Obviously, I was not totally uninvolved (minor skirmishes and feints contrived to keep my opponents off balance), but for the most part I was involved in my investigation of Brian's unique status as a demi-human. I had managed to separate a flamingo strain (which accounts for Brian's tendency to stand on one leg and his love of the color pink) when the doorbell rang. That was a little strange because I don't have a doorbell in my lab, but I thought, "Hey, what the dilly-yo." So I walked to the door, went through a series of detox procedures (the essence of Brian is highly toxic, slightly flammable, and rather acidic), entered my security code, and went to the door. As I prepared to open the door I began to feel kinda, well...fuzzy. Suddenly I realized the door looked very familiar...I heard a booming voice as I was transported to the nether regions of the multiverse. I glanced around and noted a disturbing multiplicity of tuna. Cooked and canned tuna. I then duly noted that I was standing on a spongy surface that felt like bread. Putting 3 and 5 together I got 6 and decided math without calculators is chaos. Then, by reason of my hypothesis that all great minds eat sandwiches, I combined the tuna, bread, and mayo, (the mayo I had to create using a mayo replicator my minions had stolen from Jeremy) to make and consume a giant sandwich. Then, after eating a number of sandwiches I began searching for some way off the planet. After a short time and many sandwiches later, I saw the 'oor, as my vernacular inclined me to say, and prepared to resume my otherworldly travel (a preparation that included marking the planet's coordinates in the multiverse for further exploitation). I opened the door, expecting to embark on my interstellar travels. Unfortunately, I was greeted by a grinning hologram of Jeremy. It said, (it being used because Jeremy's gender had been described as "questionable" by the Stinktronians) "Fool! I...err...Mayo knew that you would foolishly open any door presented to you! Now you will be trapped there forever! Ha Ha Mu! Ha Ha Mu! I hope you like sandwiches without mayonnaise! Ha Ha Mu! Ha Ha Mu!" I was genuinely put out by this turn of events, having viewed the doors as a gesture of goodwill. Fortunately, for Jeremy that is, I began laughing at his lack of imminence and freakishly animated facial expressions before I vowed instant and terrible retribution. I was still sore about the doors though, so I settled for "slow and mediocre" retribution. Then, after packing away many more sandwiches, I called for the Stinktronians. They owed me a favor for my allowing them to remove Brian from earth. Anyway, they came, picked me up, and allowed me to skydive into a massive pile of mayo. Which is when I met you again." Glancing down I noticed Brian rhythmically beating his head upon the floor of the cart. I thought again, "Could this pathetic weakling honestly be Brian? Might not it be some fiendish new creature of Jeremys? No, it was Brian." That was when I realized that my research, which, while geared toward proving Brian a demi-human closely related to a rodent, had been mostly satirical in nature, might in fact be absolutely correct. I commenced studying the freak, taking detailed notes, until I was Jeremy's dreaded fortress, THE PALACE OF LIVING MAYONNAISE (which, coincidentally, was the only building not built out of mayonnaise).


--Brian--

Upon viewing the grotesque form of the building, Derek promptly fainted. (With that I reclaimed the course of the narration after Derek so selfishly hoarded it and polluted this divine work with his idiotic ramblings).


--Derek--

As we approached the gargantuan garish edifice, I thought I might need some rest and quiet meditation to prepare me for my encounter with a visage so hideous as Jeremys. I promptly entered a zen-like state to prepare.


--Jeremy--

I had successfully dragged both Brian and Derek into my paradoxical world of Mayonnaise. As they arrived at my giant palace, they were promptly hosed down outside so no mayonnaise from outside the place could enter my holy chamber. Then they were subjected to solve a series of puzzles, much like a dungeon in the Legend of Zelda would be like, to reach my inner lair. Of course, however, they were far to inferiorly unintelligent to solve the puzzles so I simply opened the door myself and turned on the fog machine myself. As they entered my chamber, the door closed and locked behind them, the room turned dark, and boss battle music began in the background. After a few moments of fighting in the dark, I turned on the lights and found that Derek had knocked out Brian and was rubbing his own head as blood flowed freely from his opened wound caused by a blunt blow from Brian's titanium knee. At this I laughed maniacally, and then I informed them that they were to remain here for eternity. The room began to fill with Class A17 Radioactive Mayonnaise and then I faded back into Earth's dimension and left then to their fate.


--Mayonnaise--

Glub, glub; new victims for me to consume, glub, glub. I think I shall take out my deeply ingrained hatred of Jeremy upon these far intellectually superior human beings.


--Brian--

As the mayonnaise slowly and confidently began seeping through the walls, I reached into my belt and pulled out a large blue boomerang. I skillfully hurled the aboriginal weapon at the mass of mayo and it became paralyzed by its mystic powers. Derek was confused as to how I came to obtain that boomerang since he had given it to the aborigine tribal leader of Northern Australia just two weeks previous. I quickly devised some weak excuse and Derek became easily convinced. I then replaced the boomerang and pulled out a large, highly decorative rod. Using powers that Derek, and I assume Jeremy, could not comprehend, I shot a large ball of fire out of the rod. It impacted the highly combustible Class A17 Radioactive Mayonnaise and the room erupted in flames. Derek then began his stereotypical wailings and utterly ridiculous ramblings, "We are all going to die!" ect. I responded, "Oh you bumbling fool! We are not all going to die!" With that I pulled out a shimmering flute and began to play a highly addictive melody, a cross between Star Wars and Indiana Jones. Suddenly, a whirlwind came through the wall and whisked me away to my multidimensional boring device. "You see," I said to no one in particular, "We are not all going to die! Muha ha ha ha!" Only after spending several long moments in mockery did I realize that I was trembling with fear and had wet myself. I then proceeded to use my multidimensional boring device to journey to the world of bread and tuna for some much needed R&R (and a new pair of pants).


--Derek--

As I emerged from my zen-like state, I heard the end of Jeremy's proclamation and decided to feign terror in order to implement a greater good. I cried out in my stereotypical wail as Brian abandoned me to my fate; I could deal with him later. Using my enhanced brainpower, (a side effect of my zen-like state) I melded my mind with the mayo's. Not only did I discover that it was more intelligent than Jeremy, I also realized I could create a super entity...but that could wait. I set the mayonnaise to consuming itself, and the rest of the mayo world, as I opened an interdimensional gateway to an undisclosed location.


--Jeremy--

I reappeared after I rigged Brian's multidimensional boring device to explode when he entered it. I found my mayo on fire and Derek sleepwalking and acting overly courageous for his character. Using my telepathic prowess I perceived Derek's thoughts and found that he was pretending to control mayo and he was in denial that he was going to die. I pulled out my bow and ice arrows and healed my mayonnaise friend. I then sent Derek into the 32nd and 1/3 dimension, which is a dimension of the color magenta. Then I had mayo consume the entire dimension and I returned to the Amazon.


--Brian--

Finally I had made it back to my vehicle. Just as I opened the door, the entire thing exploded and all knowledge and evidence of it was disintegrated and forgotten. Suddenly Bruce Babbitt ran up to me and spoke in a clearly false English accent, "I see your not the only poor chap stuck here. Follow me."


--Derek--

Everything was magenta! I began to go insane, and my depth perception was affected. I ran around like a maniac until I was able to get a hold of myself. What kind of Hellish dimension is this? Why was it created? Why has Jeremy sent me here? Is there some lesson I am supposed to learn?


--Brian--

Bruce was dressed in an early 1900's business suit with pants that did not match. He was dragging a clearly empty briefcase as it was hanging open and being scraped across the ground. I asked him where we were going, but he responded with a nonsensical strain of ramblings about how Babbitt and rabbit rhyme and why straw and hay are not the same. I then came to a sudden epiphany. This was not Bruce Babbitt! I reached over and ripped off the face of this impostor and behold! There was a skeletal face staring back at me. OK, so it was him. I apologized but his only response was, "Did you know that there are over 100 species of rabbits and that their average rate of procreation is 12 offspring every 3 months..." And so we walked until we reached his campaign headquarters. Although dingy and old looking on the outside, the inside was extremely high tech. There were hundreds of robots working on massive quantum computers. I asked him, " How could you lose with such sophisticated technology?" It was more of a rhetorical question for I knew that he would merely continue his ramblings. I went up to a computer and entered a massive string of equations that would take a PC 300 trillion years to compute and a Macintosh, well, lets just say even Jeremy is not that patient. It finished in 2.5 seconds and within the middle of the room I had exploited a massive wormhole. I walked over to Bruce and proceeded to throw him in the wormhole. Unfortunately, my progress was impeded by my feminine figure. Curse my atrophied muscles! If only I were muscled like Derek or Jeremy! Anyway, as I continued to drag Bruce to the wormhole he continued babbling. "I have always preferred the jackrabbit...", he said as I tossed him into the Giant Worm Hole, or GWH for short. I then moved back and entered a new series of coordinates for my jump. I then jumped into GWH and proceeded to plan my vengeance.


--Jeremy--

"Wow, I don't remember the Amazon looking like this," I said as I exited my portal. But, after reflecting upon my previous mental states during my earlier visits to the Amazon I decided my memories were not to be trusted. Still, white tile walls, observation cameras...oh well. I commenced running through a series of amusing mental exercises. I also played with a small round ball. Then a green gas poured through a vent and I fell asleep. When I woke up I was in the Amazon I remembered, trees and all.


--Derek--

"Muha ha ha!", I laughed as I watched Jeremy run amuck in my lab. After running some tests I sent him to the Amazon to recoup. I had managed to prove that his partial insanity did affect his depth perception! Muha ha ha!


--Jeremy--

It has been 10 weeks since I had seen either Brian or Derek. I received some test results in the mail indicating that I needed corrective lenses to fix my depth perception. This was of course ludicrous. On returning to my tree house, a GWH opened up and Brian appeared. I immediately shoved his girly figure back into the GWH and sealed it, thus foiling his feeble plans once again. I retired to my tree house and went to sleep.


--Brian--

At last, I am now nearly whole. These past 10 weeks, 1 day, 5 hours, and 53.44 seconds have been an incredible experience. I have journeyed through countless worlds, experiencing things that far outstrip the conventional descriptions of insanity, yet I still maintain a crystal clear level of sanity. This is due to the fact that I have gone in and out of innumerable dimensions in search of my alternate selves. Once I find them, using quantum physics, I meld my essence with theirs to turn myself into the ultimate being. Dimensions in which Bryan exists I have transported them back to my home base, Bruce Babbitt's campaign headquarters, to amass a large army of Bryans. It is now time I pay my old friends a little visit.


--Jeremy--

"Oh no, its that stupid GWH again," I said to myself, "doesn't he ever learn?" After a few brief seconds, out leapt Bryan from the portal. I pulled out my antique muzzleloader and brought him down with one shot. I began to laugh until another Bryan leapt out, then another...and another. My final thought before being hit over the head was, why did I trade my gattling gun for this piece of crap one shot rifle?


--Derek--

As I worked in my lab doing meaningless, idiotic busywork for far better scientists, I noticed a strange vortex emerge in the corner. I decided to ignore it for I could not comprehend what it was and so I continued with my work, determining how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie role pop. I was on 235 when I was suddenly gagged and bound.


--Brian--

I sat in my headquarters, reports pouring in as I attempted to ignore Bruce Babbitt's inane babble. It appears that both Derek and Jeremy are in custody. Soon they will be brought before me and I will absorb their essence and dissimilate their intellects! Muha ha ha! I laughed triumphantly.


--Derek--

As Brian's minions, the Bryans, hauled me away my astute mind prepared an amusing surprise for my dim-witted nemesis. As I was hauled into Bruce Babbitt's campaign headquarters, I recognized Jeremy's inanimate corpse; he had put on some weight. We were dragged into Brian's chamber and hurled onto our knees. Brian's eyes were a little bloodshot and his hair was filled with static. After telling us how he had been consuming his other selves to gain the ultimate power he began to explain our punishment. I stopped listening at that point and considered the situation. Somehow, Jeremy seemed to be growing more sane as the moments passed. That is when I knew. Jeremy was correcting his depth perception by funneling his partial insanity into Brian! Then, not caring, I activated my trap. I spit out my tootsie role pop. Time slowed as my Nexus of Infinity did its work. Marshaling my nearly superhuman strength, I broke my bounds, Jeremy's maniacal laughter sounding in my ears. Brian, his girlish figure white with fear, cried out, "Please! Don't hurt me! It was just a joke! A joke!" "Cease your pathetic babbling!" I ordered, "Impudent weakling! Bow to your master!" Immediately Brian fell to the ground in shock, my actions having the twin effect of tearing Jeremy's Insanity Patch® (A new patent of Jeremy) off Brian and returning the insanity magnified 100 times to Jeremy. Jeremy began to glow as the years and years of mayonnaise consumption became too much for his insane mind to handle. But something was wrong. Jeremy was glowing brighter and rapidly gaining weight. Brian, on his knees also seemed to be noticing this.


--Brian--

What is happening to Jeremy? I wanted to hurt him, but not kill him. Alas, I have been foiled.


--Jeremy--

Almost at the climax of my trap, I appeared on Brian's television to announce Brian and Derek's defeat. "Pathetic mortals, all I wanted to do was enjoy my vacation, but you could not even muster the common decency to allow me that. I will now end this escalating multidimensional war." Observing through my newly patented MultiDimScope®, I watched as my Insane Jeremy Bomb® exploded, destroying Bruce Babbitt's entire dimension and hurling Derek and Brian back into Earth.


--Brian--

I awoke along the beach as the cool water reached my feet. Remembering nothing of the last 10 weeks, 1 day, 8 hours, and 36.37 seconds. I returned home to Briangrad and retired to my bed, having not slept for some time. As I pulled back the sheets to my bed, ready to retire for the night, I yelled out, "What the?!?" For there lied a wild Tanzanian warthog. How it got there was a funny story, but that can wait, because when I saw this grotesque thing, Jeremy suddenly popped into my head. Then I recalled those large, hairy interdimensional warts of his and I exclaimed, "What am I doing! I've traveled through countless dimensions to do away with those accursed warts, but through all the mayonnaise, robots, Babbitts, alternate selves, and Nintendo ripoffs, I lost track of my original intent. Well not anymore! This time things are going to get done! Muha ha ha!"


--Jeremy--

The doorbell rang and I got up from my FreeCell game to go answer it. When I opened the door there was an advertisement on the ground. It read, "Grand Opening of the Mayo Institute Center for Eye Care and Other Junk That is Good for You! Special Offer! Limited Time Only! 2 for 1 laser eye surgeries to correct vision! Come in today! This means you Jeremy!" I couldn't place my finger on it, but this article really spoke to me. So I folded the ad, placed it in my pocket and went down to the center. It seemed kind of odd that no one was there, and the building had to be at least 100 years old, but I dismissed the thought of there being an ulterior motive to the existence of this place.


--Brian--

What an idiot! I did not think he would fall into my trap so easily, never the less, it worked. Quickly, I must change into my doctor's scrubs.


--Jeremy--

"Velcome to my clinique," said the doctor with a thick Russian accent, "Please have a seat and ve vill begin." I did as he said. He injected the anistezia into my arm and the last thing I saw was his nameplate: Dr. Brain. When I awoke several hours later I found myself in the same room except it was rigged to explode. I felt groggy and too tired to move, my body was paralyzed. With my last ounce of strength I looked down at my chest to see that my multidimensional warts had been removed using laser surgery. My weakened mind was struggling to come up with the words to express my feelings of disdain, when the building imploded, covering me in five stories of debris.


--Brian--

"Success," I shouted as I triumphantly held Jeremy's multidimensional warts in my hand. Now there can be no more interference from that little nuisance. With Derek gone, I am now fully in control of 10,589.3 dimensions, with Bryans ruling as my puppet leaders. The worlds are mine!


--Derek--

Foolish Brian, you may have defeated me for the time being, but I will return, you can most assuredly count on it. With that I turned around and ran straight into a pole. I slowly got up in aching pain and fled/hobbled into the shadows.


--Bruce Babbitt--

I know some people may think the jack-o-lantern is a close relative to the jackrabbit, but they are sorely wrong. For there are seven main points in which they differ. Point the first...


The End?

It is never the end!!!