There are so many mysteries in the world today, and many of these mysteries carried on to distant times in the future, which have been made known unto the general public by the wonders of The Scroll. Now a new story has been discovered. A glorious story about how Jeremy came to find his true identity and how he overcame his long imprisonment and learned to tame rats. One day, Jeremy was walking around the Gulag II when he discovered a small tattered rhyming dictionary on the ground. He picked it up and pocketed it.

There was no one outside; it was raining that day.
So Jeremy and his friends went out to go play.
Tommy slipped and fell, fell in the mud.
Timmy stroked his pet cow, and stepped in its hud.
While Timmy and Tommy were thus occupied,
Jeremy and Hutch checked the path, and spied.
They found the prison guards standing so tall.
Jeremy was thinking of the best way to kill them all.
He came up with a plan, a plan that was keen,
A wonderful plan, and yet very mean.
He took a large stone, and hit the guard in the head.
Hutch cried out loud, "I think he is dead."
The other guard came with his gun cocked and ready.
Jeremy mumbled some magic chants, and his gun turned to spaghetti.
With no one there to guard him, in a literal sense,
Jeremy said, "Come on, Hutch!" And they scaled the fence.
"Freedom at last from the Gulag II Hell!"
"No more statues, Rosie, or Brian, oh well."
"Let's find a place, a place where we can stay."
"How about Derek's," Hutch said, "Wait, no, Derek's gay."
So Jeremy and Hutch found a li'l ol' place,
With sword decorations, and on the wall a large mace.
Jeremy cried out with the highest form of glee,
"This is the place, the best place for me!"
Jeremy then watched TV for 2.2 years.
He took up drinking and drank many beers.
Once he had caught up after the last 2000 years.
He said to himself, "It's time to get those dumb queers."
But he had no more money; he had spent it all.
His house was evicted and he had to live in a stall.
He took to the road, and soon he did find
A giant refuse heap that would blow your mind.
He soon became friendly with the rodent residents.
They helped him get food and gave him birthday presents.
He soon started a carnival with the rats as the stars.
He made some decent money and bought himself some new cars.
He traveled the world with his disease-infested show.
But soon the FDA told him that he had to go.
Jeremy cursed the government's power.
He said to himself, "Their pride I will sour!"
So he set off with his rats and his loyal friend Hutch,
And committed to all that his revenge would be much.
So he began writing letters, a dozen a day
To gain his revenge on the cursed FDA
He wrote so hard, he wrote so fast
That his hand started bleeding and was put in a cast
Hutch began to whine and whine and complain
But what did you expect from a character with such a dumb name?
The rats, forgetful as always, forgot their tricks
And out of boredom, began competing with ticks.
A bargain they struck, One fateful day.
The rats would act as public transit for the ticks for only minimal pay.
The weeks wore on, months flew by
But still Jeremy's letters had not bother a fly
The rats grew restless, even Hutch ran away,
And moved into cities across the world to stay
Still Jeremy wrote, and wrote and wrote
But the government read not a single note
The influx of rats started a plague
But the ticks kept them happy and so they stayed
Millions died, a third of Europe in fact,
But still Jeremy wrote, wrote without tact.
One day Hutch returned, returned full of glee
For he had not caught the plague and cried, "Yipee!"
So to Jeremy he had ran, his longtime gay friend
His time of seclusion now at an end.
Believing the plague to be Jeremy's Best,
The Denizens of the world decided to get rid of the pest.
The rats they tried to hire, but to no avail;
Because the rats never bothered to read the mail.
Something had to be done to end the plague.
So Derek was called from his fortress in The Hague.
His Worms®*** he did send to combat the ticks,
Whom they defeated before you could mention St. Nick.
Jeremy, angry, fled to Hawaii in disgrace,
While Derek conquered the World in his place.
And so Derek ruled, the world in his palm,
Until one fateful day when he opened some lip balm.
Instead of finding medicine to battle his cold sore,
There was two wires attached to a block of C-4.
The thing exploded, badly burning his face,
Not enough to kill, but rather to put him in his place.
Derek then proceeded to scream and run around,
It wasn't until two weeks later when he was finally found.
Inside a children's day care center, curled into a ball,
Even his own minions mocked his comical downfall.
And so the rule of Derek was now no more,
He went to be a bag boy at a local grocery store.
Jeremy then kindly volunteered to rule in his stead,
That is, until Brian dropped a large anvil on his head.
It wasn't for several hours before Jeremy awoke,
And what he beheld he thought to be a joke.
In the corner there was Hutch crying and very sad,
And all around the saw the great city of Briangrad.
Once he realized that he was thoroughly encaged,
Jeremy's skin turned green from being enraged.
He bit through the bars, it was quite a sight,
It seemed nothing could stop this lunatic's appetite.
He ate all the guards, and then some people on the street,
Where he hides the pounds is clearly a magical feat.
This gluttony went on for days upon days,
The only thing he wouldn't touch were chips made by Lays.
Something had to be done, and indeed it should,
For Jeremy was like a termite and Briangrad a piece of wood.
So Brian called for many truckloads of cheese,
The only substance that could make Jeremy appease.
And so on this date a great treaty was made,
A lifetime supply of cheese and a British Isle he was paid.
For this Jeremy agreed never to set foot upon this soil,
Under penalty of being thrown into Mt. Pleasant to boil.
Jeremy then left and went back to his isle,
Thinking he was smart, clearly living in denial.
Then one day he opened the door, and what did he see?
A giant mutant rat, and on its back a flea.
A flea most small, insignificant in size,
But to Jeremy it would soon give a big surprise.
And so the rat came in and he shut the door,
"Tis only my good pet," he said, and nothing more.
A fortnight later he began to feel this searing pain,
As if a thing bored into his head and laid eggs in his brain.
Before the fleas could cancel his life function,
His brain and the fleas formed a glorious junction.
Its DNA was absorbed into Jeremy's nuclei,
Giving him proportional strength, more than 100 cacti!
He could leap tall buildings in a single bound,
And land unhurt right on the ground.
He called himself Flea Man, and solemnly declared,
"I will stop Brian!" as if he really cared.
So he went to the capitol and asked for the king.
They did not let him in, and so their server he did ping.
He hacked into their security to shut down their defense.
He took some common household scissors and cut through the fence.
In only moments it seemed he was at Brian's door.
He shouted through the oak, "I'm declaring war!"
The sound was quite muffled, and Brian said, "What?"
So Jeremy took up his courage, and his jaw he did jut.
He blew down the door with one single breath.
He had violated the treaty and was supposed to receive death.
However, Brian was simply playing with toys.
Though the bomb shaped one was making some noise.
Jeremy decided it was time to run,
But Brian was not done having his fun.
Jeremy jumped and bounded to dodge Brian's attacks.
When the time was right, he depantsed Brian's slacks.
Brian was mocked by even his mom.
He also forgot he was holding a bomb.
Brian exploded in a frightful display.
Again, the great Flea Man had saved the day.
Jeremy freed Hutch and they walked away into the sun.
Jeremy established peace and uninvented the gun.
Jeremy decided the time was quite ripe.
He used his new time machine to give time a wipe.
And thus we see as we have always done.
Jeremy is the best; he's always number one.

*** (See "Tales from The Scroll", "The Bane of Brian")