An exciting account of the 1588 election, newly uncovered from the vast archives of the Sahel International Library.

It is the 16th century in this the first era of this exultant age of man. All forms of dictatorship and tyranny have been dissolved and abolished due to the collective will of the planet and an agreement by Derek, Jeremy, and Brian. In place of these regimes, a new, experimental system of government was devised by "leading philosophers" in whom the world ruler will be chosen by the majority of the populous through a system of voting and elections. This was an absurd notion to our three protagonists, but they decided to throw their hats into the ring anyway...well actually they threw hand grenades and it wasn't into a ring but at each other. Several other candidates ran including some of the big names such as: Betsey Bayless, Bryan (who later dropped out on the advice of Brian), Shakespeare, Queen Elizabeth, and the gluttonous dragon from the 13th gate of Hell. To thin the competition, Jeremy successfully banished the infernal beast back to its home on a technicality that it hadn't been a resident of the outer world for at least seven years. To further trim the fat, Brian coaxed Shakespeare off of the ballot by offering him a booklet of poetry and plays that he quickly hashed out. This thinned the competition down to five. As the results streamed in Election Day, the first Monday of the third month of the vernal equinox except on leap year when it is two days behind, it appeared that Brian was clearly in the lead. As the day ended, it turned out that this was the greatest voter turnout ever, (which isn't much to say) with 100% of the populous voting and it was the greatest margin of victory ever, with 100% of the votes going to Brian. The people had "spoken" and they "chose" Brian to rule them with an iron fist. The world celebrated in a festival that lasted two moons and consumed more confetti and balloons than all of the rest of history combined. After this spectacle, it was time to swear in the first, best, and brightest elected official in history. The event was held in the Coliseum, which was stolen from Rome during one of its many sackings and transplanted in Briangrad. Because of his kind nature and good sportsmanship, Brian allowed Derek to start the inauguration off by leading the crowd in the pledge of allegiance. As Derek calmly walked out onto the stage, the audience gasped as they beheld his noble visage. Collectively the crowd wondered why they had ever elected that cringing, spineless, wormlike, freak Brian. Everyone held their breath as Derek assumed his position behind the podium. Derek opened his mouth and said, "I'd like to be the first to congratulate Brian on his successfully rigged election." At the use of the word "rigged" the crowd gasped and returned to normal breathing patterns even as they engaged in hurried whispers. Brian began to rise to his feet, as in a high-pitched whine of outrage he began to exclaim, "You have no Proof! I demand..." Brian was cut off as Derek whirled toward him and cried, "Silence Foolish Mortal! Sit upon your stolen throne and listen in silence as your betters debate your fate." Brian quickly sat down, his face cringing in terror of their noble man before him. Derek turned back to the crowd who eagerly awaited his words. "I will now lead you in the pledge of allegiance! I pledge allegiance to the flag, and the immortal precepts of Derekdom!" The audience eagerly repeated the phrase as the glorious flag of the Derician Regime rolled down over Brian's crudely dyed strip of cloth. From the thousand archways of the Coliseum Legions of the Spawn of BoBo proudly marched into the meeting. The crowd rose to its feet in glorious cries of exultation. A band began a patriotic tune and Derek somehow procured a microphone and continued, "And to the Tyranny for which it stands, with militarism and nationalism for all!" As the gigantic crowd repeated these powerful words a rumbling was heard in the sewers. The Spawn drew their blades and hedged in the crowd, attempting to protect them from any menace that might arise. Brian had disappeared to somewhere. Mutant rats climbed from the gutters and began attacking. Big ones and small ones were scampering all over the floor. They bit, gnawed, and chewed until the Spawn of BoBo was decimated. Then an even greater rumbling occurred as a large piece of earth was overturned, and Jeremy rocketed out from the ground riding the giant, black, Hellish Dragon. Hovering inches in front of Derek, Jeremy gazed into his eyes and proclaimed to the crowds, "You fools! This is not Derek; this is a bag of oranges. I can understand that this bag if oranges is more handsome than that weasel Brian, but honestly" From fear of the rats, which were beginning to create piles of mayonnaise to nest in, the people promptly did as Jeremy instructed. They burned and destroyed all remnants of Derek, Brian, and the "Election," and then followed Jeremy to a large crevice in the earth. The dragon returned to his home far into the metaphorical center of the Earth, and Jeremy then floated gently to the other side of the crevice to a podium that seemed to exist for no reason other than for Jeremy to stand there. Jeremy stood at the podium and declared to the world's populous, "Friends, enemies, and Communists, these past two weeks have truly been a struggle to the human race. Therefore, I have declared that we hold a four-week recess in which we will have a reelection. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" cried a member of the crowd. The man was promptly dragged down into the abyss by a large tentacle, which had arisen from the crevice. "Any other comments?" asked Jeremy politely, "Alright then, let the recess begin." Jeremy then struck the podium with a ridiculously large gavel, which seemed to have materialized into his hand moments before he used it. The crowd filed out and Jeremy was left there upon his podium laughing maniacally. When he finished he realized that he was alone. "Uh, hello, a little help here," he cried out, "anyone." And so the next four weeks came and went and still Jeremy remained upon his floating prison. No one reported him as missing, either because they didn't know or didn't care, a clear indication of his popularity. Feasting upon tiny insects and his left arm, Jeremy managed to sustain life. In the meantime, the new, fair election was taking place between Brian and Derek (for some reason no other person wanted to run) (actually the reason was because Brian smelled so bad. Derek was only able to run with the assistance of a new patent of his, "The SmellKeeperOuter®"). Derek and Brian then moved on with their election, Brian working closely with Bruce Babbitt. Brian's popularity was at an all time low due to his new campaign plan. Even the zeta-minuses were leery of supporting a platform advocating 97% taxes, mandatory organ doneing, domestic cleansing, and service in labor camps in return for health care. Jeremy, meanwhile, had moved on to his right arm. There were rumors of a write in campaign, when Brian produced Jeremies head (actually a large pumpkin) and placed it on a pole outside of his headquarters. Of course, however, this was all part of Jeremy's plan (note the apostrophe and correct spelling of "Jeremies", I mean "Jeremy's"). After Jeremy had finished consuming his arms, both arms appeared on the pole holding the Jeremy's-head-shaped pumpkin. People all around gathered to see this amazing sight. When the election came around people wrote in the name of this Jeremy-like pumpkin creature. It was known internationally as General Pumpkingod. General Pumpkingod won the election and his first command was to free Jeremy of his floating podium prison. General Pumpkingod then announced that the world shall now worship and follow the most supreme being, General Pumpkin-Jeremygod. With this, in a glorious splendor of light and mist, General Pumpkingod and Jeremy merged to become General Pumpkin-Jeremygod, which looked exactly like Jeremy only slightly stronger and had a pumpkin for a head. Then in a commanding and powerful voice General Pumpkingod cried, "Now I will be your Lord and Master!" The world bowed down to him, even Derek and Brian were influenced to do so. And thus started a wonderful period in history. A wonderful period of about one week. At that time the once vibrant head of General Pumpkingod began to rot and cave in on itself. Eventually, the candle used to illuminate his head came into contact with the ever sinking gourd and it erupted into flames while General Pumpkingod was giving a speech to the Boy scouts of Manchuria. General Pumpkingod began to run around screaming and wailing about how he was too powerful to die. "Here, use this to ease your pain," said a mysterious mustached man that seemed to materialize out of nowhere. He pulled off a cloth to reveal a large machine that also seemed to materialize out of nowhere. "I call it 'the paintopleasure dowackey' (patent pending Brico World Industries 1588). Merely stick your head into this hole and the pain will just be severed away." "What Ahhhh! deal," cried General Pumpkingod as he leapt into the guillotine, I mean paintopleasure dowackey (patent pending). The blade came down, severing off the grotesque head of that creature. Jeremy's lifeless, headless body remained at the machine while the head began rolling down a nearby hill crying out, "You haven't seen the last of me! I'll be back, and when I do the world will feel the ultimate wrath of General Pumpk-glub, glub...". The last words heard before it submerged into the river ("glub-glub" became immortalized in public legend and myth for no particular reason). Brian placed Jeremy's corpse on display in Bruce Babbit's HQ and announced that the campaign was back on. Derek disagreed, (having won the first election) but decided to go along with Brian's plan for the moment. Later that evening Brian was reviewing his campaign plans with Bruce when he heard a knock on the door. Brian walked to the door, opened it, paid the pizza man and walked back in. He then ate the pizza with Bruce, splitting it 60:40 [Bruce to Brian] so that Brian could maintain his girlish figure. Then Bruce exploded, thanks to JeremyInc's new product "Exploding-Pepperoni". Brian realized this and quickly took the antidote, "Brico's Anti-Exploding-Pepperoni Pills". Jeremy was so enraged that his head (no one knew where it was) began frothing at the mouth. Jeremy's corpse then broke free of Brian's restraints and began to strangle Brian. Just then the news crews arrived following the cops. Jeremy's torso and Brian were arrested for patent infringement (Derek having patented both the Exploding-Pepperoni and the Anti-Exploding-Pepperoni Pills and leaked the plans to his opponents labs). Brian and Jeremy were both thrown in jail and disqualified from the election. The election proceeded as planned and Derek won unopposed again with 89.7% of the vote. Meanwhile Jeremy and Brian were placed in adjacent cells in the county prison. Jeremy was getting kinda sore cause Brian kept making fun of him and he couldn't retaliate, being headless. Little did Derek, Brian, or Jeremy's body know that Jeremy's pumpkin head had taken root and spawned a series of indestructible, mutant pumpkin heads. Once they were ripe...um, I mean...ready, they stormed the prison and rescued Jeremy. They also rigged Brian's sleeping body to explode if he moved more than an inch. Jeremy refitted the best looking pumpkin head to his body. This time their would be no decaying, or burning. The pumpkins were metallic and lit electrically on the inside. Jeremy increased his strength by eating mayonnaise out of bowls constructed by hollowed out pumpkins. Two weeks after Derek had "taken" "power", the world was in nearly irreparable ruin. Jeremy planted several pumpkins around the borders of Derek's "mansion". Within moments the roots had completely deconstructed his entire abode leaving Derek quietly eating a bowl of Spaghetti O's, completely oblivious to the fact that his entire home was missing. Derek reached for a weapon with his right hand; however, Jeremy's keen eye foresaw this, and he released a large pumpkin and nailed him in the head. Derek then turned back to his bowl, picked up the spoon, took a bite and fell unconscious out of his chair. Jeremy then opened his mouth, "Muha ha ha ha! Pathetic fool, you believe that you can beat me? I scoff at your feeble attempts." Jeremy then closed his mouth and began to scratch his head in a confused manner. In response to his mental confusion the voice resounded once again, "No you idiot! You did not say that...but I did." Jeremy picked up a small pumpkin and swung around to behold the grand form of Brian. He dropped the pumpkin in astonishment. By utilizing a gigantic magnifying glass and discerning what time the sun would set, Brian stood before his foes in a god-like demeanor. "How dare you attempt to harness the forces of agriculture! Is your feeble mind unable to realize that I am the greatest cultivator to have ever graced this earth? Now your pathetic being shall face the unfathomable wrath of a true reaper!" With that a bright green flash shone into Jeremy's eyes from the sun setting and he was temporarily blind. Before he could summon his forces to retaliate, two large vines burst forth through the ground, grabbing each of his feet and suspending him several stories high in the air. The pumpkinheads stormed forward in a confused charge but most were taken down by spines shot from a new hybrid of barrel cacti. "Is that the best you can do?" asked Brian in disgust, "Pathetic". Brian then left shaking his head, sickened as to how easy it was, and went to claim the presidency (Derek had put Brian down as his vice president since he knew no one else). As he left, two more vines emerged from the ground and picked up Derek. It then entertained itself by smashing Jeremy and Derek together and listening to their girlish cries. This habitual beating gave Jeremy plenty of time to realize that the explosive device he placed on Brian was actually set to a league, not an inch, giving Brian the ability to easily escape. But it was all too late now, the Regulatory Agency stepped in to ensure fair play. The election was placed back on the books and the candidates campaigning began again. Admittedly, the contestants were getting tired of the proceedings, but they thought they would give an election one more try. All of the candidates retired to their HQ and worked long into the night. At about 11:25 pm, Jeremy left to go get a snack. While driving he was sticking his pumpkin head out of the window and screaming, "Beeowh! Beeowh!" because his horn was broken. Then, after a little while, when a policeman tried to pull him over, he began speeding to evade arrest. Jeremy punched the turbos, and almost evaded arrest when a passing semi knocked off his pumpkin head. Then, Jeremy's torso drove his car into Brian's HQ, crippling him. Jeremy was incarcerated for speeding, driving without a head, attempted murder, incidental manslaughter, and tax evasion. Brian was hospitalized until, "his identity had been positively ascertained" and "he regrows his third nipple" and "until his wounds heal." So Brian was resting in a body cast, Jeremy was imprisoned and sentenced to 300 years, and Derek publicly mourned the downfall of "his worthy* opponents" (*worthy to lick his minions toes) and to privately laugh gleefully. Jeremy's head, after regaining consciousness, (it was indestructible) floated around aimlessly for days. After it visited Jeremy's incarcerated, crippled body, it enacted its secondary function of spawning a new body. It worked for days to created a perfected, improved, facsimile of Jeremy's body. After it was complete, one of Jeremy's souls returned to his body, and once again he was whole. He removed his pumpkin head and returned to his human appearance. Using the power of his last pumpkin, he laid a trap for Derek. During the night, Jeremy broke into Derek's home and stole all his clothes and burned them. The next day, coincidentally Election Day, Derek could not vote because he was confined to his home because of his nakedness. Right before the voting booths opened, Jeremy set off his pumpkin-head bomb. This froze time for 5 hours. During this time Jeremy wrote in his name on every ballot in order to provide competition for Derek. When the bomb was over, and the voting booths were opened, and the people started voting, Jeremy discovered something that pleased him greatly. Because General Pumpkin-Jeremygod had been so revered and Derek had been so hated, Jeremy won 100% of the votes (Derek did not make it to the voting booth). Jeremy was declared president of the world and he appointed himself to every other position as well. Jeremy laughed as he thought about how Brian was encased completely in plaster and how Derek had a complete lack of encasing. Of course, he wouldn't have been laughing if he knew what was happening to Brian. It turns out that the plaster reacted to a unique chemical only found within a select few human beings. His skin and the encasement formed a powerful bond and a hard impenetrable exoskeleton developed around his body. This gave him super-super human abilities (he already naturally had super human abilities) and he became known as The Incredible Brian (the green colors of his bandages had something to do with this). Through his supreme mental prowess, he trained himself and quickly regained full mobility and he left the hospital by breaking through the wall for posterity sake. His destination was the highest court of the land, The Court of Omnipotence. Brian presented to the Chief Justice a recording of Jeremy that proved he broke into Derek's campaign headquarters, stole his clothes, and ate three jelly donuts (actually Brian had no real evidence for this but he created an audio that pieced together words that Jeremy had said over the years). The court ordered an injunction to bring Jeremy before them and Brian said he would do it. He discerned Jeremy's position to be within his ministry of defense, The Decagon (which had only six sides). The structure was heavily guarded but Brian walked right up to the gates and demanded entry. When he was denied, he ripped open the gate and continued walking to The Decagon. Immediately guards ran out of their towers and began firing upon Brian but their simple mortal weapons were too weak to penetrate his powerful hide. The cowardly, yet smart, ones threw down their weapons and fled to their mothers. The rest were brought to their knees when Brian held up his hand (he actually had no such power, but his appearance was so menacing that the guards assumed that he did). Brian then broke through 10 walls (2 brick, 3 fiberglass, and 5 paper mache) to find Jeremy huddled in the corner of his office. He picked Jeremy up by his shirt tag and threw him before the court, literally. After Jeremy had gathered his bearings, they played the incriminating audio, "(low pitch) I...Jeremy...(high pitch) did brake...(low pitch) into...(in Brian's voice) Derek's campaign headquarters...(Jeremy's voice) and...(evilly) stole...(monotonous computer voice) stuff." "That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard," exclaimed Jeremy without the exclamation mark, "you would have to be as dumb as Derek to believe that." "Is this not your voice?" asked the justice. Jeremy responded, "Well, most of it, technically is, but..." "That is all we need to hear! We find the defendant in this Jeremygate scandal, guilty!" As punishment for his heinous actions Jeremy was turned into an undersized cow and placed in a stasis cell. The stasis cell was placed on display in the foyer of Brian's office. Unfortunately, Brian had forgotten the malevolent telepathy ability that all undersized cows posses when he had arranged for that judgment to be passed, and Jeremy was nothing if not malevolent. Everyday Brian went to work on his campaign he was confronted by the glowing eyes and malevolent telepathic blows of Jeremy the undersized cow. Everyday Brian felt the blows of crushing telepathic hammers assaulting his limited psyche. Brian of course thought he had migraines and began to take aspirin. Little did he know that the aspirin weakened his natural ability to withstand Jeremy the undersized cow's malevolent telepathic attacks. Then, after three weeks, Derek's campaign was gaining support exponentially (through amorphous cloning) and so Brian decided to resort to a malicious slander campaign in a desperate attempt to regain lost ground. Brian cloistered himself in his office for 37 and 3/4 hours as he and his advisers worked on the slander campaign. Obviously, as it was Brian and Brian does not posses the fearsome intellect of Derek or the Random Insult Generator® of Jeremy, the insults were pathetically uninsulting, the most fearsome of which were "you're unsmart!" and "Brad Pitt is uglier than you!" Regardless, this was the moment Jeremy had been waiting for, and when he struck, he struck hard. So hard in fact that his telepathic ability was seared out of Jeremy the undersized cow forever. However, in the process Jeremy crushed Brian's pathetic intellect. Brian's reason capabilities were erased and were replaced by a Random Action Generator. Brian's actions became hopelessly random and he was locked in an insane asylum, but not before his random actions had driven billions of supporters to Derek's banner. Derek won the election and was given the world throne yet again. However, Derek was quite surprised to find that the world throne contained a series of "restraining" devices to properly "secure" Derek to the throne. As soon as Derek was completely and utterly secured with no chance of escape...er, I mean, becoming separated from the throne, Jeremy had Derek carried away and dumped in the Black Sea. That's right! Jeremy had returned. Jeremy had emerged from his beefy cocoon and returned to the world's embrace. Jeremy promptly retook the throne and also disposed of Brian's shattered and forlorn body by locking him in a spherical room with no oxygen. The world was happy despite the Jeremygate scandal because he enacted a 0.02% tax reduction plan involving the execution of the spawn of BoBo and the uprooting of all cacti of the barrel type. And Jeremy, his pet PumpkinHampster, and the world lived happily ever after. Well, not really his pet PumpkinHampster. Feelings of disgust and contempt bubbled and amassed within his tiny body and gigantic head until one day it became too much. The rodent/vegetable began gnawing at Jeremy's ankle when he was washing dishes. When his weak leg gave out, he fell down and the PumpkinHampster went for the face. Why this all occurred, the world may never know, but what is known for certain is that the world mocked and reviled Jeremy once they were free of his spell. Out of gratitude for its bold rebellion against that heinous, repressive regime, the populous elected PumpkinHampster as their new ruler. The moment this occurred, the light headed Brian had his bones fuse together and he burst forth from his geometric prison, the wet Derek broke free from his restraints and swam to the surface, and the bite consumed Jeremy awoke from his coma and had plastic surgery. In 10 hours they met at a secret base on the Arabian Peninsula which they had built together in a joint effort. This was their fall back facility used to undermine the efforts of any fourth party that may develop. Through a series of secret meetings (actually only one meeting was real, the rest were just excuses to play video games) the three powers came to the consensus that these elections were completely idiotic, not to mention a strain on their assets, and had to cease. They decided that they would go back to their previous "democratic" methods of rule. In one week, PresidentPumpkinHampsterTszar had resigned and was never heard from again; Derek, Jeremy and Brian had reestablished their strongholds on separate ends of the earth; Derek had come down with small pox from the spores of the cactus Brian had given him; and Jeremy slipped on a pile of mayonnaise and broke his back; the world truly was at peace...at least...the world was back to normal.