I draw your attention to a cow, a cow named Betsy. A magnificent marvel of modern technology, it was Betsy that spawned the cheese (or democracies to Jeremy) that turned Jeremy into that raving lunatic that we have all come to know and love. If not for Betsy's timely intervention, Jeremy might be ruler of the world today. But enough about what might have been, this is a story about Betsy: the cow that changed the world, and ate a lot of stuff...

From the beginning, Betsy was not a normal cow. As a calf, she was mocked and ostracized by her fellow cows because of her radiating green skin. Fortunately for Betsy, she always got the last laugh as she turned her enemies into glowing piles of radioactive waste that make Africa look like the happiest place on earth: aka Briangradland II. Well anyway, because of Betsy's short temper, she acquired no friends and was forced to wander the earth aimlessly. Places of note that she visited include, but are not limited to: Hiroshima, Nagasaki, Chernobyl, Trinity, Bikini Atoll, Iraq, an underground site in Pakistan, and most of Australia. (Africa's radioactivity was caused solely by Derek, Jeremy, and Brian's evil machinations.) One day when she was wandering through the Gobi Desert, she came upon a refrigerator. She was starving and so she opened the door to get something to eat. (The radiation had given her hooves opposable thumbs as well as many other biological advantages) After she opened it, Derek immediately jumped out and put her in a headlock. He promised to let her go if she would produce him 500 tons of cheese. Betsy agreed and 15 minutes later a massive pile of cheese was looming over the horizon. Derek then began to laugh, "Muha ha ha ha, hey my hair is falling out, oh well, Mu ha ha ha, my nails!, ha ha ha, oooh... I don't feel so goo..." Derek then collapsed and Betsy dragged him off to her lair. Betsy had established a rather comfortable home in the Northwestern Alps. Derek awoke to discover Betsy watching television in the den. She had satellite cable. Derek was tempted to go watch it, but he decided to try an escape. As he stepped outside, the door closed behind him, and he found himself in one of those crazy bush mazes. He had to get to the other side by defeating monsters and solving a combination of small puzzles. After Derek had spent about 37 hours solving the maze he finally made it out only to find Betsy at the other side. Betsy picked him up brought him into the den and force Derek to watch her home videos in which there were many, many cows and many, many utters. Somewhere along the line Derek's immune system evolved to the point where he forgot how to spell, but was unaffected by Betsy's radiation. Once Derek had finally stopped vomiting he and Betsy managed to become friends. In their careful conversations in Moo-ish Derek and Betsy talked about that lil' ol' 'ush 'aze (as they called it; or translated for the layman, "the little old bush maze.") From that maze great things were born, namely, VIDEO GAMES (the scribe pauses to worship, then continues.) Anyway, after trade marking and copyrighting and patenting their product on 347&1/3 planets (Derek's ability to exist outside of space and time had something to do with that), Betsy agreed to manage the Sahel region of Africaland® for Derek once that park opened. (Derek was heard to state that even a cow could manage the Sahel better than Brian (who needed a book (a very big book (with very short words)) to teach him how to manage the region.) Derek and Betsy then looked back on that lil' ol' 'ush 'aze and decided to have some fun. Using his ability to exist outside of space and time Derek kidnapped Brian and Jeremy and forced them to traverse that lil' ol' 'ush 'aze. Of course it had to be simplified for their diminutive brains and all pointy objects were removed to stop them from accidental self-impalement. (Derek and Betsy knew the accidental self-impalement would be a problem because they had used Brian and Jeremy clones for several test runs. Within thirty-seven and a third minutes all suffered from numerous self-impalement wounds.) Brian was released an hour ahead of Jeremy to prevent teamwork on any of the obstacles of the maze. 204 hours latter, Brian was stuck at the "Alice in Wonderland" puzzle and Jeremy was besieged in a small suitcase by a horde of angry zeta-minuses. Derek then began his usual spell of maniacal laughter. When he turned around to laugh with Betsy, he got two hooves in his face. It turns out that she found this to be very annoying and had to put an end to the insanity. Betsy then decided to abandon her lair, flood it with milk, and seal the entrance so that any remnant of Derek would be destroyed.(Although Derek was immune to radiation, he was still lactose intolerant) By this time, Brian and Jeremy had easily solved the 'a' 'ol' b"us 'az', as a moron would call it, and discovered Derek and his smashed in face lying on the ground. Because milk had already begun to fill the chamber, Derek's body had already swollen to not once, not twice, but thrice its normal size. Jeremy and Brian were disgusted by this bloated corpse and left it lying there while they went to find an escape. Of course, everyone knows that cows' lairs always contain a secret exit for when the farmer comes looking for them. Well, apparently not everyone knew this because after walking around for a couple of minutes, Jeremy became delirious and started running around in a circle screaming about how he was too young to die in a cave by drowning from milk. While he was doing this, Brian slipped away and left through the secret exit. He then sealed it with a concoction he later patented as That-otta-hold-em®. As he looked out over the horizon, he saw a fat little figure running toward the sunset. The figure stopped and he heard a sound that brought chills down his spine, "Mooooo ha ha ha! Mooooo ha ha ha!" Derek's milk engorged body had turned him into a demi-human, half man (If you can call Derek a man) and half cow. Brian continued to follow Derek because of his curious nature. Soon, Brian became hypnotized by Derek's strange laughter, the world started to become fuzzy and everything seemed happy. Suddenly Brian, woke up in the middle of the lil' ol' 'ush 'aze. Jeremy had hit him over the head with Betsy while he was trying to escape. Betsy had gotten up and left, she said something about moving to Canada. Brian realized that the room was starting to become flooded with milk. He escaped from the maze and found Derek lying on the ground. His body was horribly disfigured and had become swollen to three times its normal size. Brian found a secret escape only to realize that it had been sealed by JeremyInc®'s new product, That-otta-hold-em®. Brian cried out it despair as he realized that he was going to die in a pool of milk. Luckily, the milk weight was more than the ground could hold underneath. The ground split and the whole place fell two miles down into a former aquifer. There, Derek retrieved the inflatable doll of Derek that was three times his size and he had fooled everyone for so long, made contact with his army of the lower mantle, and was carried away to his secret headquarters. Brian also made contact with the army of the lower mantle. However, their interaction was not nearly so benign. The horde of bacterium, revolted by Brian's misshapen features (namely his FACE)[/ \]®, hurled him out of the aquifer onto dry ground. There Brian, terrified out of his wits by the microscopic paramecium and the half-man-half-cow hybrid® Derek had created in one of his many experiments, ran around screaming like a little girly man. While Brian was running around he came across Jeremy, who was running around in circles and screaming like a manly girl. Brian ran towards Jeremy, the only familiar object in sight, as they were surrounded by a rampaging horde of cow-men®. Brian and Jeremy began to fight, much to the amusement of the cow-men®. With all the force of their puny limbs could muster, Brian and Jeremy traded blows. To weak to actually inflict damage on their opponents, the struggle quickly ended in a draw due to the exhaustion of the participants. The cow-men® then trampled them and carried them to a near by ogre® (also a creation out of the Derecian Labs®) who clubbed them and ate their bones. Meanwhile, Betsy paid Derek $300,000,000,000,000.00 as a result of their bet and agreed to any number of favors for the charismatic tyrant at any time he desired. Betsy then boarded her private yacht and sailed to Canada®. As she left she thought she heard a maniacal voice laughing, "MU ha ha ha. MU ha ha ha. MU HA HA HA!!!!!" but she though she must be imagining it and so continued onward to Canada®.

And so ends the tale of Betsy, the radioactive cow, who continued on ward to eat lots of stuff and spawn many democracies.