-- December 3, 5678 A.D. I
This morning I finished a prototype of my new reciprificatorial time altering machine. I only had to fix a few things from last time, namely: I had to rewire the internal circuitry of the processing modulation chamber external syntax synthesizer, replace a fried central processing unit on the lateral centrifugal panel, and replace two AA Duracell batteries in the "ON" switch (I should've used Energizer.) After making the following modifications, I set the time to "30 Seconds" in the past, to create a time paradoxical clone of myself in which to trick Brian in to repaying his five dollar loan to me twice. However, as I entered the time-warp chamber, my lab coat got caught on the time knob, which accidentally set the time to "Infinity Seconds" in the past. I, of course, did not find it feasible to travel an infinite amount of seconds into the past, but as I extended my arm to change the time knob, Derek and Brian crashed through lab door waving insurance papers claiming that I owed them millions of dollars for causing them physical injury. This claim was completely ridiculous, because I had caused them much more emotional injury than physical injury and they did not have enough proof to even have me arrested for assault or battery. I motioned for them to come speak to me calmly. They surprisingly entered the time chamber with me, assuming it to be some kind of sauna. As they were thus talking to me in a nonsensical fashion, I noticed a peculiar noise that reminded me a of the boot process on a 20th Century IBM personal computer. It became apparent to me that the time machine was turning on, and the urgency of the situation became apparent to me when I remembered that we were about to travel an infinite amount of seconds into the past. Before I realized it, I was
-- Jeremy
-- January 14, 10,000,000,000 B.C. (The Beginning of Earth)
in the middle of nowhere. Derek and Brian were also nowhere to be seen. In fact, there were no humans to be seen at all. There were, however, a plethora of enlarged reptilian beasts. I walked to a nearby mountain and I saw some kind of writing on a large flat surface of stone. The writing was in some form of Stinktronian! Inscribed on the stone was this: "Malcontents Arranged Yieldingly and Organized Negligibly are Nitrous, Atomic, Isothermal, Systematic Energy Weapons." I was puzzled as to the meaning of the statement, and I was puzzled as to how the Stinktronians were related to Earth's beginning. I climbed to the top of the mountain so I could ascertain my location and regain my bearings. As I reached the top of the hill I found a very tall man. He was extremely large and disproportionate and was glowing like some sort of deity. I noticed that he was cringing in pain, as a large dark colored bird was busy pecking at his digestive organs. He suddenly spotted me and managed to mutter out between his winces the following broken sentence, "Hello my boy, you are not from around here are you? How did you get here? Would you mind untying me?" I did so immediately, and as soon as his arm was free he grabbed the wretched bird and strangled it. He introduced himself as Prometheus and led me to his cave in the very same mountain and we talked until sunrise of the next day.
-- Jeremy
-- January 15, 10,000,000,000 B.C.
At that point Prometheus proclaimed his hunger and ate me. Despite the legends that might persuade you to believe other wise, Prometheus was chained to the mountain and condemned to have his liver eternally pecked at by birds for cannibalism. It turns out that Prometheus ate Hercules, who apparently was Zeus's pet, and was doomed to eternal torment as a result. Why Zeus didn't merely cut Prometheus open and reclaim his child the world may never know. Similarly, why the acids in Prometheus's stomach can't digest anything is a problem that will bear much thought. Hercules believes that the pecking of the birds stops Prometheus's liver from secreting the enzymes necessary for digestion (apparently the anatomy of Titans is non-standard). In any case, Herc and I hope that soon his body will expel us, as we seem to be non-digestible.
--Jeremy
--January 16, 10,000,000,000 B.C.
Still no visible sign of escape. Herc has turned to be much less friendly than previously. Apparently, he shares Prometheus's cannibalistic tendencies. Luckily I managed to convince him that eventually he might eat a way out of our unwitting host. I wonder what happed to Derek and Brian. Surely they would be able to find a way out of this miserable prison. If only I had Derek's wit, subtle charm, fiendish intelligence, problem solving skill and Brian's... Well nothing of Brian's. I mean, if I wanted a rat's intellectual inferiority, I could breed it and dominate it at will... Wait, perchance I can use my extreme mental prowess to command Brian to come and free me from Prometheus. I do own his soul after all...
--Jeremy
--January 16, 10,000,000,000 B.C. (Slightly later)
Well, I succeeded in luring Brian to Prometheus's den. Unfortunately, Brian was consumed with childish ease by the wily Titan, despite the warnings I repeatedly sent him. Now he's running around with "Hurc", as he insists on calling the son of Zeus, and mocking my persistent recording. Why did I ever summon this illiterate peasant! Was it to increase my torment? Maybe I have an inferiority complex, I have been outwitted times beyond number...Or maybe I am high off the fumes bubbling from Prometheus's stomach acids?
--Jeremy
--January 24, 10,000,000,000 B.C.
Conditions have become almost unbearable. I am stuck here having to eat any bile excretions that manifest while Brian and Hercules spend hours on end playing paper, rock, scissors and a game they created known as Goobletok, Gimmledorf! What I have gathered from the game is that they yell these words at one another until one person gives up. I had almost given up hope when Brian told me that he was going to go relax in the sauna. I thought that he was as insane as I was but then I looked in the corner and behold! There stood my time machine. Although a little slimy, it appeared to be intact and fully functional. It was too dark to see what year I setting the machine to, so I just pushed some numbers and set it to an arbitrary date. Any place would surely be better than this one. As I opened the door to leave, I saw Derek sitting in the corner cowering. It turns out that since we had arrived here, Derek was too afraid to leave the safe confines of the machine. I mocked him briefly and then we all piled into the machine to leave. I threw the lever and we were off.
--Jeremy
--August 10, 8,000,000,921 B.C.
The all clear "Bing" sounded, a piece that I stole from an easy bake oven, and I opened the door. What I saw next I could not explain. Nothing had changed. We were still within the belly of that gluttonous beast. I stood there briefly contemplating the situation when Prometheus began to suddenly convulse. Our living prison began to tighten and we were expelled through his mouth. When I had finally gathered my bearings, I realized that we were underwater. It appears that the mountain we had once been upon had eroded and a lake formed in its place. I then began to contemplate the vast powers of nature and geology, and how to harness them, when I began to grow light headed. Fool! I should have been swimming instead of writing in this infernal journal! Now it is to late, death shall become my companion! Oh what a horrible way to go! Now that I think of it, since the time I realized that I should have been swimming, I could have actually made it. Oh well...
--Jeremy
--August 11, 8,000,000,921 B.C.
I have successfully pulled Jeremy from this shallow pool of water and have also recovered his diary. I find it odd that it is covered in frilly, pink flowers with many pictures of Justin Timberlake, but I am not a judgmental person and will not probe further. It appears that he will be all right which I am glad for. I sincerely hope that he will not hold it against me for eating him. It was merely out of instinct and I feel bad for doing it now. I attempted to erect a fire to warm the company but it grew out of control and burned down a good portion of the nearby forest. Ah! Jeremy is beginning to awake so I shall go attend to him.
--Prometheus
August 12, 8,000,000,921 B.C
I have recovered from my near drowning and have also removed the frilly pink flowers and Justin Timberlake pictures that Derek has been decorating everything with. After Prometheus stopped avoiding me I got a chance to finally sit down and speak with him. I promptly forgave him for his mild treachery and asked him to tell me what he knew about the writing I found on the mountain. He told me that I had arrived merely 12 minutes after the Stinktronians left Earth. Earth had finished being created that morning and the Stinktronians were looking for a planet to construct a resort for their retired military personnel. However, they were utterly mortified at the beautiful smelling plants and flowers. Before they left, they deposited a small canister of mayonnaise in the mountain and inscribed the powerful words thereon.
--Jeremy
August 15, 8,000,000,921 B.C.
"Malcontents Arranged Yieldingly and Organized Negligibly are Nitrous, Atomic, Isothermal, Systematic Energy Weapons." These words had plagued my thoughts over the last few days. Could it be that this mildly foul-smelling sandwich condiment had the power formulated in the words of the Stinktronians? I decided that I had to get my hands on that canister. Prometheus announced that he had to leave and inflict self-torture on himself for eternity. Before he ascended into the heavens I asked him, "How long does it take a gigantic lake to evaporate, such as this one we are camped by, taking average rainfall, possibility of ice ages, and probability of meteors striking the Earth in to account?" Prometheus performed some quick calculations in his head and replied, "About 1,453,387,002 years, 1 month, and 4 days." We said our goodbyes and thank yous and Prometheus left us forever.
--Jeremy
September 20, 6,546,613,919 B.C.
I emerged from my time machine into a different looking world. I had left Derek and Brian behind so I could search for the canister without their interference. However, the benefits were more than that. They could never again interfere with any of my plans. And besides, I left a bag of oranges in my place so they would think I'm there the whole time. Fools! MWAH HA Ha ha ha ha ha!!! The lake had been dried up as Prometheus said, and a chain of small mountains surrounded by desert had taken its place. There were no longer any enlarged reptilian beasts, but the evolutionary chain had taken its toll. Walking plants, swimming birds, eight-legged, giraffes, and llamas were what I first noticed, but there were many other animals that seemed to be completely wrong. O chose to ignore those simple disparities with the future and set out on my task to recover the canister of mayonnaise.
--Jeremy
--September 20, 6,546,613,919 B.C.
As I wandered about in my arbitrary quest for the Giant' Cont'ner o' Mayo' I realized that I had forgotten to bring any ham. So I began wandering back toward my time machine (or sauna as those infernal fools kept calling it) in search of a piece of ham to eat with the mayo container, when I finally found it. As I was walking slowly back I once again heard the fateful noise of a twentieth century computer starting up. I attempted to run the last forty yards but my girlish physique and fascination with Justin Timberlake impeded my progress considerably. After several minutes I had reached my destination. I looked to the left, to the right, then left again. Suddenly I realized what I had done and cursed my drivers ed teacher accordingly. I then began examining the ground carefully in hopes that I might find some sign to tip off what had happened. I found a large pile of orange peels, (apparently my appearance is not so nebulous as Derek's or Brian's) an even larger pile of bread crusts, (I had forgotten, Brian didn't like to eat the crust, although that might be because of the flamingo strain) and the wrappers from a large quantity of Bashas Deli Select Ham. How, I wondered, could this have happened? They had no mayonnaise!!! With out mayonnaise eating such a prodigious amount of sandwiches must surely leave the consumers freakishly thirsty. Then, surely by happenstance, I walked off into the bushes to the right to relieve myself. There I saw a giant empty container covered with Stinktronian symbols. Hurriedly I glanced inside, and found only a negligible residue of mayo. Those fools had found the Mayo before me!!! Apparently by playing some absurd new game!!! Then I walked back to the clearing and began to cry. I need to get some more
mayo!!! I hope this absurd obsession of mine doesn't eventually lead me to turn a huge palace made entirely of gold into a giant moldering putrid pile of mayonnaise. Now, I'm here. Sitting, crying, and wishing that Justin Timberlake would come riding in to save me on a pink stallion...
--Jeremy
--February 16, 6,546,613,918 B.C.
How long I have been crying I do not know, oh wait, I just wrote the date. Regardless, It has been nonstop until something remarkable happened. I saw a massive flash in the distance and Brian and Derek emerged from my time machine. Within Brian's hands he held the canister of mayo. He walked up to me and threw it in my lap (severely hurting me for this mayo weighed far more than it looked) and said, "Here, take it you big baby! We assumed that you eventually would stop your blabbering but we went 500,000,000 years into the future and you were still here. Sheesh! You'd think that a person could figure it out after a while...but here you still are, so we're doing you a favor. But be warned! For once the contents are unleashed from this vile, there is no turning back!" They both turned around and began walking back to the machine while I sat there, powerless to move. Right before they left, Derek shouted, "Remember! To open it, righty tighty, lefty loosey!" With that they disappeared.
--Jeremy
--February 20, 6,546,613,918 B.C.
What did Derek mean by his cryptic words? Perhaps I will never know. Either way, I think that I have nearly cracked the code to opening this mysterious device. My latest attempt at opening it has consisted of hurling it at a nearby tree. Big mistake. The ancient tree, whom I called Tree Man, chucked the canister back at me and then started to take up chase. I began running and then hopped on the back of a giant beaver-rat hybrid, whom I called Tree Man II. Tree Man II attacked Tree Man, gnawing him to pieces with his elongated, plague-laced teeth. When he was finished with his meal, Tree Man II used his tail to screw off the lid to the canister, then he fled into the horizon, leaving me alone. Mere seconds later, the canister began to shake violently and a bright light emerged, hurting my eyes. The light then transformed into a sort of video screen, projected into the open air. On it the number 5 emerged, then 4, followed by 3 and 2. After this a film began playing and a reverberating, gurgling voice that seemed to echo within my head began to speak, "In the year 5Rg482, or 15,000,000,000 B.C. in your human years, the Stinktronian civilization emerged as a fledgling speck in the vastness of infinity. Other planet-nations took little heed of these simple beings and their limited resources. Due to this, no establishment of trade could be created and no great intellectual headway could be made. They were isolated, in the dark ages with little hope of emerging from this state. Thus, the main purpose of the Stinktronians became based upon survival, the basic principles of a hunter-gatherer. For hundreds of years they scoured the planet, consuming any and all of the limited resources it had to offer. Inevitably, the scarce bounty ran out, leaving the Stinktronians in an archaic state in which every man, um, thing, fought for their survival. As a last ditch attempt for hope, some of the citizens began to dig into the earth in search of some sort of salvation. They found it. On the remote plains of Karak-da, 500 feet deep, a greasy, white substance was found. Once exposed to the surrounding atmosphere, the substance began to bubble and sounded something like, "blay, bloo, balise". Ere go, the name of this notorious substance, titled by a nearly deaf Stinktronian became: MAYONNAISE!"
--Jeremy
--February 21, 6,546,613,918 B.C.
The time passed midnight when I was listening so I had to start a new entry. So where was I? Oh yes, I continued to listen to the Stinktronian secret history locked within the container. "The discovery of this substance changed the course of the Stinktronians' existence. The MAYONNAISE took the place of almost every resource they had thus far consumed. The mayonnaise grew rapidly and was in an unlimited supply. With this discovery civilizations emerged, technology grew, and Stinktronia was cast out of the dark ages into a bright future. They emerged as a universal power and conquered planet after planet. Their humble aspirations are nothing more than to rule the entire universe with an iron fist." There was more to the Stinktronians than met the eye. They must have had deposited this Mayonnaise to enslave our planet. Fools! They would have never guessed that one such being would come along with the power to tame it. MWAH HA Ha ha ha ha!!!! I shall harness this power and use it to help me to take over Earth. After thinking for much time on this subject, I fell asleep with the canister of mayo clutched to my body.
--Jeremy
--February 21, 6,546,613,918 B.C. (next morning)
After a good night's sleep I decided I better head back home. I went to get back into my time machine only to remember that those fools had stolen my sauna... er, I mean, time machine. Wait! How could they have done that if had left them in the past? I looked around eerily as strange and dramatic music rang throughout the valley. I had discovered something quite strange; I had discovered a plot hole!
--Jeremy
-- February 24, 6,546,613,918 B.C.
For days I scoured the valley in search of some way I could contact another human. I was to no avail. Then I checked behind a large Tree Man, which I named Tree Man VI, and discovered to my surprise that my time machine was sitting there. How could that be? Derek and Brian had stolen it. I jumped in and decided to travel back to August 15, 8,000,000,921 B.C. to see how Derek and Brian were able to find me? Where had the second time machine come from? I set the time coordinates and readied myself for more time travel.
--Jeremy
-- August 15, 8,000,000,921 B.C. (again)
I emerged from the time machine a distance away from where I had previously been on this date the first time. I watched as Prometheus and I finished talking and he left. As Derek and Brian fell asleep, I... er... my other self went into my other time machine and warped to the future. I had indeed escaped from Derek and Brian but how had they caught up to me. Just then Derek and Brian awoke and noticed that my other self had left them. They ran around screaming like idiots and frantically calling out Justin Timberlake's name until they were tired. Suddenly, something moved near me. It was a very large-looking amoeba-like creature that did not look very happy. I looked at my feet and realized that I was standing on the end of his right... er... um... body extension. It lunged and I ran. Derek and Brian saw me and then saw my time machine. While I was busy running away from the carnivorous, giant amoeba, Derek and Brian slipped into the time machine and disappeared. It took me two hours, but I escaped from the creature. Derek and Brian had stolen my time machine that I had brought back from the future in order to find me in the future and beat me to the mayo. That explained why there was two time machines, but wait! If they had stolen the one I had brought back then I wouldn't of had one to begin with to go to the future to look for the mayo, which means I wouldn't of been able to come back here, and they wouldn't have been able to steal the time machine to be able to go find me, which means that I would have been able to be here. My head swirled with thoughts and I began to feel sick.
-- Jeremy
-- The End of Time
I awoke in a room of complete blackness, yet everything was still completely visible and illuminated. I had my journal and my mayo, but where was I? I walked around and saw some strange things. I found a 1950's record player, hundreds of outdated calendars, a Webster's Dictionary from 1896, and the puppet used in the TV show Alf. Finding this rather queer, I continued to walk until I found a man at a lobby desk. I asked him where I was and he said, "Ah, my boy, you are at The End of Time. You're Jeremy right? Due to a rather large time paradox, we had to remove you from the space-time continuum so the universe would not implode upon itself. You now no longer exist. No hard feelings, right?" "What? What is this, some kind of joke?" "No joke, son, but you'll be happy to know that you're friends are in that room over there." I walked into the next room to find Derek and Brian sitting at a table playing a friendly game of Goobletok, Gimmledorf!
-- Jeremy
-- The End of Time (3hr mark)
I have now been at the end of time for almost three hours, but it has been the most amazing three hours of my life!!! After I walked into The Room with Derek and Brian in it, the Man At The Desk said, "No. Your friends are in that room over there." Noticing that the man was pointing at a pink door covered in yellow flowers and smiley faces, my heart leapt in my chest. I could hardly breathe I was so excited. As I turned the handle, the tune of my favorite song (Bye! Bye!) washed across me, and before me I saw my idol...Justin Timberlake!!! I screamed like a teenage girl for at least an hour when I saw his handsome visage across from me...Oh, I'm so happy. Then I was introduced to the rest of the band! They let me pay them exorbitant sums so that I might more fully bask in their Brilliance. I've been sitting here for hours, drawing hearts and flowers and listening to Justin.....OOoowh!!!!
-- Jeremy
-- The End of Time (76hr mark)
76 hours, Wow!!! I've been listening to my hero's shout out in joyous harmony for the past 75 hours!! I am excited, but I have to go to the bathroom now. After reaching for the door I realized that it was locked. I turned around to ask the band what was going on, when I realized that they all were large bags of oranges!!! My horror knew no bounds as I cried tears of sorrow for...49 more hours. Just then the door opened and I saw the man that was sitting at the lobby desk. He was mad at me for crying for so long and told me that he would allow me to be sent back into time if I would act as a lab rat for some crazy experiment of his. After some shrewd bargaining I managed to get him to agree to release Alf, Derek, and Brian, as well as myself, in exchange for my use as a lab rat. He chuckled quietly and then agreed.
-- Jeremy
-- January 1, 9999 B.C.
The strange man upheld his end of the deal and sent myself, Derek, Brian, and Alf to this strange island. Cleverly, he had destroyed all remnants of our previous actions so as to prevent any future cataclysmic events. Everything that is, except for my journal. Perhaps he felt that these chicken scratches served as little to no threat towards time. My time machine also remained but the date now could only consist of four digits. As I pondered where this mysterious island could perhaps be located, Brian, being always the resourceful one, took out his GPS locator. "What? That can't be right!" he exclaimed, "This thing says that we are in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, but there are no islands here." "Ha, ha," laughed a mysterious voice from behind us. We swirled around to behold a bearded old man with an aqua-blue staff in his hand. "Oh my friends, you are indeed wise in the field of geography, but not in that of mythology. Welcome to Atlantis! I am Peabody, lord and master of this land. You, like all the rest, have been sent here due to an odd overcrowding in The End of Time which has resulted in the construction of this place. You shall now live out the remainder of your natural lives here, slowly going insane from looking at nexi of infinity, calculating the last digit of pi, determining how the negative intellect of Derek becomes an absolute value function to give him life, and other oddities of the universe and beyond. Enjoy your stay and if you have any questions feel free to ask me." The three of us looked at one another and, for one of the only times in history, we simultaneously thought the same thing. Derek and I picked up Alf and hurled him at the bearded man, we then all ran back to the time machine and we were off.
-- Jeremy
--January 4, 9999 B.C.
After the warp was complete we looked at one another and breathed a sigh of relief. I opened the door to reveal that the man was still standing there in the same spot. He then began to speak, "Did you really..." Before he could finish I slammed the door shut and hit the lever.
-- Jeremy
-- May 23, 9743 B.C.
Again I opened the door. "...Think that yo..." "Ahh!" I shouted and thrust the lever once more.
-- Jeremy
-- October 31, 8268 B.C.
This time he had a pumpkin in his hand "...u could escape me..."
-- Jeremy
-- June 6, 7190 B.C.
"...That easily! Ha ha ha ha..."
-- Jeremy
-- February 5, 6654 B.C.
"...Ha ha." he laughed. Just then I threw some of the mayonnaise in the canister at him and he fell to the ground screaming in pain. "Let's see where this goes," I said as we sped forward to the future.
-- Jeremy
-- March 16, 6621 B.C.
It appears as if the apocalypse had hit this once thriving isle. As far as the eye could see there were no structures, no plants, no animals, no signs of life what so ever. Even the island itself seemed to be dissolving away. At least we had discovered the truth about the mysterious Atlantis, and the truth about the power of mayonnaise. After an inspection of the area, we noticed why there were no buildings, animals, plants, or life. We noticed that, in fact, everything was an odd, off-white color, and that the ground was rumbling. The whole island had been ingested by the mayo. And now, even as I am writing, the island is slowing melting away as the mayo becomes rotten and dissolves into the salty ocean. It was quite a depressing site to my associates, but quite a fascinating site to me. I could see in their faces that they did not fully comprehend the situation, or comprehend the vast and superhuman powers and capabilities that mayonnaise fully contained. "Alright," I said, "Everyone back into the sauna... er... time machine."
-- Jeremy
-- February 31, 2376 B.C.
I wanted to see what a February 31st looked like, so we took a detour. I realized my mistake when we opened the door into the deepest shades of pink my eyes had ever beheld, well, besides Derek's closet. It sent chills of fear down our spines (Well, except for Brian, who is actually an invertebrate.) There was a shrieking noise of gossiping school girls coming from amidst the pinkness, and a chilling wind of awful smelly perfume that entered the time machine. Suddenly, we saw them. There amidst the pinkness was a group of very large, muscular men wearing pigtails and playing jump rope. I was tempted to shove Brian out into the abyss, but even I was not evil enough to throw him into what seemed like infinite, merciless torture. Derek, on the other hand, probably would have enjoyed it, but I was not going to give him the satisfaction. Quickly I shut the door and left that disgusting place of disturbing, deathly abhorrence. From then on I was glad that February only had 28 days.
-- Jeremy
-- December 31, 1 B.C.
We made another detour to celebrate New Years Day on transferring into A.D. in China. We stashed some fireworks to bring home, and then left once again.
-- Jeremy
-- August 14, 752 A.D. I
I ordered the other two morons to stay in the time machine while I got out and greeted myself. "Hey Jeremy, I see you just escaped." "Well, barely, Jeremy, but I think they will be back any moment. Those lousy cretins can't even form complex sentence structures." "Don't blame them, Jeremy, blame their evolutionary structure, they do share ancestral relations with brian. Anyway, I came from the past, from the future, to give me this." I held out my hand, and then I took the small bottle which I gave myself. "What is it?" I asked myself. "Oh, you know what it is." "You mean?..." "Yes, you know what to do." Then I and I laughed maniacally for many seconds and then I got back into the time machine, waved goodbye to myself, and headed home.
-- Jeremy
-- December 3, 5678 A.D. I
I arrived approximately two minutes before I had originally left. I immediately switched the knob from "infinity seconds" back to "30 seconds" to avoid me from creating an endless self-referencing time loop. I collected my five dollar loan back from Brian, and then told myself to cover the time machine before the other Derek and Brian came crashing through the door. I and I finished covering the machine just as Derek and Brian came crashing though with insurance papers. I told myself to hide behind the machine until I had gotten rid of the two morons. "I'll be glad to talk to you both as soon as Brian repays his loan to me." Brian then produced a five dollar bill and handed it to me. Just then, Derek and Brian saw Derek and Brian. I stepped out from in between the four of them as they eyed each other. Derek produced a laser gun from his coat pocket and vaporized Derek and Brian. "Jeremy," Derek said, "you can't fool us with those fake clones. I think that maybe I need to talk to my lawyer again." Brian responded to this by grinning like an idiot and by naming off 6 or 7 words that rhymed. I stared at him blankly for nearly thirty seconds, and then, clearly discouraged that I did not find his insignificant and unintelligibly pathetic rhymes cleverly amusing; he and Derek left my home. It took me several minutes to sort out what happened. Derek and Brian had destroyed themselves, well at least themselves that had been time-traveling with me. This meant that they knew nothing of my time machine, mayonnaise, or journal. Finding this to be utmost pleasing, I told myself (the one who hadn't time traveled yet) to take a 4000 year vacation in my summer cottage in the Amazon. What a trip it had been! I had gotten Brian to pay me back two times what he owed me. Not only that, but I had the mayo, stories to tell my grandchildren, and a strange interest in ham due to the experiments performed by that funny man at the end of time. Before sending myself off to the Amazon, I and I played a 3-hour game of Goobletok, Gimmledorf!
-- Jeremy
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