After dim-witted Derek ensnared Brian to a barrel cactus, the scribe left with his corpulent compatriot to record his activities. But what happened to the all-wise Brian? It turns out that after he had uprooted the cactus, Brian stumbled upon a local tribe of Indians. He told them of his travels and they were mystified. To aid this divine being, the natives gave him 5 bushels of corn, 5 bushels of maize, 50 quarts of dehydrated water, a AAA road map on how to get to England, a giant Gila monster to ride on, the secret of when to harvest cactus fruit, and a GPS locator. They knew the historical importance of this event and so they started their calendar from this date: the first year of Brian and his Cactus or 1 B.C. To record his journey they sent along Moho nAke' ne koko, the only Indian that had a pen, a roll of paper, and could speak English fluently. (It was later determined that he was the brother of e' ol English gent' who accidentally got sucked into the time warp) Brian began his journey to reap vengeance on idiocy by traveling north to Canada or Eh!land as it was called by the locals. On his way, however, he got tired of carrying all that stuff and so he left all the food behind after eating one more meal. Later, he decided to leave behind the dehydrated water because after several days he finally realized that the natives were just pulling his leg on that one. One day, the Gila monster got angry because it stepped on a rat, so it bit Brian and Brian collapsed on the ground for three months. When he awoke from his poison-induced slumber, he found himself in a strange predicament. Brian was rolled up in an Arabian rug on the edge of a cliff. A rather familiar looking monkey was standing just above him. When Brian came to, the monkey let out a few hoots and screeches and then promptly kicked the Brian's rug-encased body into the abyss below. As soon as the carpet unrolled itself from Brian's body he shouted for joy as he cried out, "I'm saved, this is an Arabian flying carpet!" Then he saw what he feared most, a tag on the corner of the rug that said "Made in China". "Nnnnnnnoooooooooooo!" SPLAT!!! Maniacal laughter resounded from the surroundings as Brian fell to his doom; Jeremy had found a loudspeaker. Then, after Brian went SPLAT!!! Derek showed up, and one of the only times all three scribes and heroes were in the same place at the same time occurred. Derek and Jeremy had been working together on that one, and, in answer to the quarrel between who would be served for breakfast on Thursday, the spawn, the aborigines (who Brian earlier mistook for friendly natives), or the rats. Brian was fried and served warm to Derek and Jeremy's hordes of rampaging minions. Jeremy and Derek then went their separate ways after exchanging gifts to symbolize their friendship. (Jeremy gave Derek a ringworm and Derek gave Jeremy a "democracy" that was, in fact, anthrax studded with leaches and laced with the Ebola virus. Jeremy promptly ate the "democracy", went insane, and rambled around the Amazon for another decade or so. Derek used the ringworm to create small mindless minions armed with high tech weaponry, commonly known as worms. Unfortunately they kept getting stepped on so Derek created a video game known as "WORMS".) Unfortunately for that idea, video games were unknown to mankind during this period of time and that is why it has been come to be known as the "dark ages". (The scribe shudders at a world absent of video games (the scribe finds it odd that the scribe is writing in the third person but continues anyway)) 24 hours after consuming Brian, Derek and Jeremy's minions began to have severe stomach pains. To make a grotesque story short, all those that dared to eat the great Brian suffered the consequences. OK, so this is too good of a story to pass up. Their bellies proceeded to swell up and explode in an epic display of flying rat and aborigine pieces. Then, the parts that had formerly belonged to Brian that lay strewn across the land began to find one another and fuse together. After no time at all, the reformation had been complete and Brian was off on his way again. (Some rat pieces were accidentally brought into his body but the only side effects were a heightened sense of smell for cheese, and the ability to traverse sewers with ease (The scribe finds the rhyming dictionary he bought to be annoying and throws it away)) Because of the Gila monster's display of aggression, it was sold to the state fair to a man that already owned the world's largest pig. With Brian's newfound wealth, he invented a machine that had two wheels, a handle bar and was propelled by one's foot. It was dubbed the horizontal accelerator. With this, Brian traversed all of the flat paved terrain that the planet had to offer. After traversing all of the flat paved terrain that the planet had to offer, Brian was tired and he fell asleep under an oak tree. Well, at least he thought it was an oak tree. It was really Jeremy standing with his arms out stretched holding to small scanty branches that he had saved from his Christmas tree. Jeremy dropped the branches and pulled out a surgical needle that used to administer his new serum. It was called the BoneDesolvinator® by Jeremy Inc®. Brian's body was reduced to a pile of rubbish with no endoskeleton. While in this state Jeremy tied knots in all of Brian's appendages until Brian's body was one giant knot and his tongue was tied in as well to prevent him from communicating his problems to others so that he would be left there and ignored. Jeremy left to go finish conquering the world and within two hours. Brian's bones had reappeared into a nasty, malformed, hideous, indestructible knot. He woke to find himself in this predicament. However, without the use of his tongue he could properly communicate his troubles to friendly passerbyers. In fact, the passerbyers mistook him for a devilish, possessed creature of the night. They impaled him with a large pike and hung him from their castle to symbolize what they do to evil ones. Soon a revered wise man wandered by and noticed the cactus tied to the "back" of the evil one. He entered the town and proceeded to tell the dim-witted inhabitants of the true nature of the beast they had caught. After hearing how they had accidentally captured a repentant pilgrim who was journeying on in this manner as a sign of his humility, they removed the pike, apologized, covered the impalement wound with leaches, apologized, and asked if there was anything they could do to make amends. Brian replied, "mmmhoadhgal;skdhga;lkdshtugbkahjsldhgyasgvbnvvauiw th." Unable to understand his tongue-tied babble (pardon the pun), the peasantry asked the wise man what the pilgrim had said. He Replied, "He merely asks that you send him rolling on his way." So they did. Brian was sent rolling down a nearby hill in a northerly direction, that being the direction they assumed him to be traveling in. After bumbling along with the tines of the cactus rending his malformed flesh the misshaped blob that was Brian stopped rolling. He had ran into the wall of a nearby Roman Villa. With his girly cries of "alsjkdhgaugbklahguaigh! alsdhgfkajlghkaj!" Brian soon brought a horde of mocking children to his mutilated carcass. As they prodded him with assorted objects and through rocks some of the adults of the community realized what was happening. Only to happy to encourage the natural aggression of their children they hung Brian from a near by pole and told the children that if they hit him long enough, hard enough, that candy would fall out of his head. They warned the children that some blood and goop might fall out first, but if they persevered, candy would inevitably follow. Years passed as Brian hung upside down from that pole. Ritual beatings occurred as the children grew older and more determined to have the legendary candy, tales of which had spread around the globe. People came from hundreds of miles to, "beat the beast," as they called it. Several more years passed and the tradition began to die as no riches ever spewed forth from Brian's bruised and bloated carcass. Eventually the people forgot why he was there, and, at the advice of some wandering wise guy, sold him to a troop of Spanish traders passing through who had heard of the legend and wanted to purchase the "pinata" as they called it. They hurried back to Spain, and the tradition caught on with the dim-witted Spaniards. The Spaniards found out that it would be easier to make pinatas out of paper and put real candy in them since no mortal could acquire the legendary candy that he harbored. They soon mass produced these and became quite wealthy, selling them across the known world. With their newfound wealth, the Spaniards decided to build a mighty armada to conquer all that opposed them. On their capital ship, they mounted Brian on the front as a symbol of their might and because it looked cool. The ships proceeded north to attack Jeremy fleet harbored in Jeremyopolis. The Spaniards easily crushed this pathetic competition but they neglected to see the English fleet come from behind them. Needless to say, the armada was destroyed. Before this, Brian had managed to wriggle loose from the Spaniards' ill tied knots (although he failed to escape that infernal cactus) and he fell into the water. While swimming to safety, Brian was mistaken as a seal with a cactus on its back and he was eaten by a hammerhead shark. While inside the shark's stomach, Brian began talking to it, saying that he was its conscience. In a little more than 25 seconds, Brian had total control of the shark's mind. Utilizing his ultimate intellect, he trained the hammerhead, or BoB as he called him, to walk on land and to speak a select few words. He then ordered the shark to go to Jeremy's palace. The shark swam to the shore and hailed a taxi to take him to 1022 Mayoheap drive. When the driver asked him to pay his fare, BoB promptly ate him. Brian then ordered his fish friend to ring the doorbell to the "palace". A rat answered and BoB ate him as well. In fact, something about this place enraged BoB to the point where he started to eat everything in sight. (as well as out of sight) After consuming over 50 lbs. of rotten mayonnaise, BoB developed a rare form of mayoitis and he keeled over and died. Brian then cut himself out of the smelly carcass and he started to walk towards the throne room covered in the last meal of BoB. He entered the room and Jeremy screamed in a high pitched voice, even for himself, "Aaahhh! Its finally happened, the mayo has risen up against my cruel rule and seeks to overthrow me! Please, I beg of you, spare my life. I will give you anything." "Anything," said Brian. He then went up to Jeremy's ear and said, "Well, I've always wanted to (whisper, whisper) and to have (whisper, whisper). 3 months later the mayo heap was torn down and replaced with a castle made out of platinum. Brian lived happily as world emperor for a very long time and his scribe was given a brand new, solid gold pen for which to record the events of the ages.

Fin