So Derek set out to gather an army, and Jeremy set out to convince all other government leaders to unite under him. Selecting the islands of Great Britain for an appropriate and well-secured base of operations, they set up their empire in Jeremygrad, which was right where London should have been. Having secured all the land of the former Sony® empire, Northern Africa, and East Asia, they sat back relaxed, and let fame and fortune come to them. Derek also adopted a small chip as a friend. Suddenly, Brian burst through the palace doors. He still had that infernal cactus tied to his back. Brian proceeded to tell his tale. He had lost a lot of blood so it didn't really make much sense. To make a long story short, he uprooted the cactus and proceeded to walk and swim to the palace. Along the way he gained the trust of the peoples of Eurasia. They hailed him as a deity because they believed that no man could walk around with a cactus on his back. Just for clarity, it was a barrel cactus. Unfortunately for "Brian", as the imposter claimed to be, Derek had followed in his wake. He had led the people to believe that the new deity had deserted them, and was, in fact, a fraud. Derek further taught that many imposters would attempt to take the place of the Brian, and that they must accept that the Brian was gone. All of the people believed, and what they believed they called Derekism. The people were motivated by their belief and they were fiercely loyal to "The Derek", as they called him. Their loyalties and extreme motivation led them to create a great nation, with the assistance of The Derek, obviously. The peoples of Eurasia were happy and prosperous under the rule of The Derek for five long wonderful years, until he fell down and broke both of his legs. At first they all blamed the Curse of Brian, but looking for a more reasonable explanation they found the monkey that Derek so dearly loved to be the culprit. When Derek got back from the hospital he had found he also had several concussions, radiation poisoning, and that he was missing his gull bladder. With Derek sick, lamed, and stuck in his chair by the fire, Jeremy volunteered to rule in his stead. Claiming that Derek would have liked it that way, Jeremy quickly turned Derek's adoration and trust to him. He found several hundred people to be his bodyguards and also some look-alikes to act as his double(s). So later that night Jeremy went to his castle and had one of his servants make him strawberry daiquiri and a sandwich, copywriting both ideas as his own. This infuriated the Earl of Sandwich, who coincidentally lived next door to Jeremy. He came over and was thrown back by Jeremy because of the disgusting smell of rotting meat and condiments used for sandwiches. Jeremy decided to tear down his own palace of gold and replace it with one made out of mayonnaise. One day after its construction it collapsed and all of his servants, and Derek's monkey, drowned in the horrible scene. Jeremy then moved on to the study of alchemy in a desperate attempt to change his gigantic putrid pile of mayonnaise back into gold. Meanwhile, Derek's radiation poisoning manifested itself in the form of genetic mutations. Astonishing as it may be, the mutations terribly deformed Derek's face leaving it truly frightening to behold. In fact the once powerful Derek was so truly frightening that wherever he went, horrifying tales of an evil monster that feasted upon the souls of those is could catch inevitably sprouted like weeds. There was a minor benefit or two that resulted from the radiation poisoning. One of these was and ability to squeeze through incredibly small spaces by temporarily liquefying his matter and then reforming it after the stunt had been accomplished. The other benefit that resulted from the radiation poisoning was a nearly super-human strength and quickness. Using his newfound abilities Derek fled to the sewers (where he learned he also had astonishing regenerative capabilities) to plot his return to power. There in the sewers Derek gathered all the malcontents produced by Jeremy's gross misrule, and forged them into a powerful army. Soon after Derek established himself and his minions underground, he learned that Brian had cleverly connived to usurp control of his one-time empire. However, he was unworried as he was sure that soon Brian would grossly mismanage the country yet again and his minions would swell due to the continuous stream of malcontents Brian's rule would surely foster. He also learned first hand of the results of Jeremy's alchemy. Although the putrid pile of moldering mayonnaise remained exactly that, Jeremy had succeeded in convincing a massive horde of vermin to nest in the putrid pile of moldering mayonnaise. Derek laughed maliciously at the news and an irrefutable source claims it sounded something like, "Mwah Ha Ha Ha!! Mwah Ha Ha Ha!! Mwah Ha Ha Ha!! Mwah Ha, etc." And thus we see that nothing really ever changes. Brian still grossly mismanages massive nations, Jeremy still breeds and consorts with massive armies of rats, and Derek hides in the shadows and plots the overthrow of governments with his pet primate BoBo (who swears one day he will ride on the cactus tied to Brian).

End of Scroll III