While Derek's dog (named Howard) (who had unfortunately been mistaken for Derek by Jeremy) (Jeremy's therapists had been in the pay of Derek and had intentionally wreaked havoc with Jeremy's eye-sight) (which accounts for Jeremy's inability to read, command, or function in normal society) had been hiding under a rock for ten years, Derek had been out preparing his mean, malicious, and magnificent revenge on Jeremy. Brian he ignored due to his obviously inferior intelligence and status as a sub-species (after studying Brian's intellect, essence, and DNA Derek had proved that Brian was more closely related to a zeta-minus than to humans). Jeremy had ordered a group of "specialists" to look to the affairs of his nation and first Derek set out to discredit these "leaders", but first he amused himself by pitting the zeta-minuses against the best and the brightest of the Mesa High Football Team in an all out Debate. Unable to conceive a response that could compare to the zeta-minuses convincing grunting, the football team was doomed. They tried to make a stand with their mono-syllabic vocabularies but failed utterly. Inevitably the football team was forced to turn to brute force and they promptly rushed the zeta-minuses. An epic struggle ensued in which the zeta-minuses were able to overcome their opposition by hurling their quadriplegic husks onto their opposition. Their vigorous thrashing soundly crushed the moral of the football team who retreated into a nearby waste receptacle, where they remain to this day, cowering from the fearsome zeta-minuses. After this amusing spectacle had come to an end, Derek set his plan in motion. He discredited Jeremy's "leaders" and promptly took control of the world which he had cleverly let Jeremy consolidate for him. Jeremy, unable to see still thought he was in control of the world, and Derek tied Jeremy to a passing pachyderm from which Jeremy continued to issue proclamations to his imaginary subjects. After a time Jeremy's rats revolted and established a colony in radio-active Africa where they regularly engaged in warfare and advanced English composition with the neighboring tribes of chimps, pygmies, llamas, and penguins. This left Jeremy wandering around arbitrarily on his pachyderm until he ended up in Chile. There the pachyderm died and Jeremy climbed onto a nearby rock where he sat for 17 years when he suddenly realized what he had been doing. He then began to walk back toward North America when he was captured by a cannibalistic tribe of obese Americans living in the Amazon. Meanwhile Derek ruled the world and the world prospered. Monuments were raised, taxes collected, personal freedom abolished, Jeremies mocked, and hotdogs eaten. The production of cheese products was accelerated (especially Cheez-its) and as a result osteoporosis became nearly extinct. The world flourished, Derek was a happy tyrant, Jeremy invented new curse words, and Brian ate small bugs while trapped on another planet. And so we see nothing really ever changes; continents are nuked, populations are exploited, the best leadership stems from the Derek, Jeremy remains cowering among primitive tribes, and Brian still exists within his puny imaginative realm.

End of Chronicle VII

(The scribe ran out of paper and had to go find more)

Chronicle VII (Version 2.0)

It appeared to the casual viewer that Brian lived in a created universe while he was really a mindless slave, but that is from the uninformed perspective. True, he did live in a computer program, but what looked like a prison was actually a training simulator. He was pumped with information 39 stink hours a day. Soon he had gained nearly every shred of intelligence that could be acquired. His IQQ (the extra Q is because the IQ scale could not go that high) was 500 cubed. Brian decided to return to Earth and exploit the pathetic earthlings (a.k.a. Jeremy and Derek). Before leaving Stinktronia, Brian shot a bomb at Earth that would destroy any person that attempted to imitate him, except Bryan. That way the people would not be deceived by a false idol. Upon his return to Earth he launched a "satellite", as he called it, in order to monitor all of Derek and Jeremy's activities, and to get cable illegally. Using the intelligence gathered from his "satellite", Brian determined that Derek was making a speech to millions of his followers at the Great Wall of Derekia. The spaceship came down in the middle of the crowd and Brian emerged from the craft. He shouted, "Attention puny mortals! You are hailing a fraud! I was the one that brought you life! I have watched over you from the heavens for thousands of years and am now returning to steer you from the path of destruction! The one you call Derek is nothing more than an assemblage of monkey parts that was sponsored by the Republican Party! He doesn't even know how to feed himself let alone the populous of the world! Everything that has wronged you came from that deceiver! Bring him to me!" The crowd stared at Brian blankly. "NOOOOOOOW!!!!" , shouted Brian. They grabbed Derek and brought him to the spaceship. "So we meet again! Do not fear weakling, I am not going to kill you, not yet that is. For now you will serve as my secretary since I am short on labor. But! If you ever attempt to gain control over anything, even the remote to the TV, then you will face a punishment far worse that your small, little, limited, puny, ineffectual, tiny, diminutive, petite, elfin, Lilliputian, midget, miniature, minute, baby, miniscule, pygmy, dwarf, undersized, mini me, weenie, pint-sized, wee, teeny, insignificant, negligible, paltry, (five minutes later) diminished, skimpy, small-timed, foolish, and unprofound brain can imagine!" Brian put a stink shield around Derek so that no human, or ape, could come within 100 yards of him. He then sent Derek to one of his corporate offices on the Aleutian Islands. One day while sitting on his vibrating chair, Brian thought to himself, "What ever happened to that Jeremy fellow?" Brian had his "satellite" locate Jeremy. It turns out that he was the leader of a tribe in the remote regions of Brazil, 15 miles outside of Rio de Janeiro. Brian thought that he would have some fun so he flew his spaceship down to where Jeremy was. Using a powerful tractor beam, Brian ripped out a two mile area of earth surrounding Jeremy's home and plopped it right in the middle of the Nevada desert. Jeremy never knew that he had left his precious Amazon. Then Brian realized his mistake as he shut off the tractor beam. Brian was inside his spaceship which was, incidentally, also in the middle of the Nevada Desert. It was too late, the falling land mass had too much momentum to stop it with the tractor beam; however, he slowed it down enough so that it wouldn't kill him. When the Amazonian island hit the spaceship, it was crushed and Brian was knocked unconscious, trapped beneath the giant landmass. It was true Jeremy didn't know he had left the Amazon. It was true for at least 2 or 3 minutes until the ground cracked underneath him and he fell through the ground, through the top of the spacecraft and landed in a heap on the floor of the spaceship next to Brian. Luckily for Jeremy, well kind of, Jeremy hit is head on the floor as he landed. When he awoke several moments later, Jeremy's vision came back into focus and his eyesight was corrected. "Whoa!" he said, "Now I understand Schrodinger's Equation!" Anyway, when he found Brian's body on the floor he immediately snapped back into his scheming. He disarmed Brian (and found the remote to the tractor beam [The tractor beam was on the satellite]) and took Brian to the surface of the Amazonian Island. There, he buried Brian in a eight foot deep grave and buried a bag of Cheetos and beach towel with him. He then used the tractor beam to bring a cactus from the desert and plant it on top of Brian. After Jeremy got off the Island, he then used the tractor beam to lift the island up, turn it upside down, and hurdle it back towards the ground. The impact made quite a tremor, but Jeremy was just fine, in fact, the tremor had given him an idea. He used the tractor beam to travel to the Aleutian Islands to see Derek; however, the stink shield had taken its toll. However, since the stink shield only protects against humans and apes, Jeremy sent some local rats to bind Derek and put him in a capsule. Jeremy then used the tractor beam to hurl Derek into space and towards the sun. After Jeremy dispatched his foes, he decided to finish off those insane, smelling aliens. He used the tractor beam to hurl the moon into Stinktronia, completely destroying ever last one of them, however, all the alien equipment self-destructed. Four years later, Jeremy was elected as the World Emperor and the world was once again behind his wonderful and talented rule many successful years. Jeremy made use of the peaceful times, to read the Lord of the Rings trilogy four times and to polish his car. He also had his servants... er... um... supporters labor to... um...assist in the creation of statues of himself all over the world. He then used his knowledge of Schrodinger's Equation to begin his work on a time machine. (He also constructed a new moon out of paper-mache, a balloon, and some blue-ish colored saran wrap.) Meanwhile, Derek had been furiously laboring to find and create or exploit a small whole in the fabric of reality. Eventually he managed to access the boiling space nexus of un and partial realities. While there he realized that there was no such thing as existing out of space and time and so he created it as yet another unreality. Manipulating the cosmic forces like putty, Derek stepped out of space and time for the first time and proceeded to build in protective devices to ensure that his precious realm would never be discovered. He then went back in time and taught himself how to improve the fridge he was entrapped in and to manipulate such basic elements as gravitational pull, electro-magnetivity, thermodynamics, and cellular reproduction. Then, after using his newfound knowledge Derek used his manipulative abilities to negate the stink field and remove all traces of the Stinktronians from the universe. After that he sent the capsule he was in hurdling back towards earth at 300,000,000,000 km/s. Just before impact he slowed the ship and landed in the middle of the Nevada desert. There he used is abilities to stop the growth of the tissue in Brian's brain and to smooth out the one wrinkle that Brian had so painstakingly developed of thousands of Stinkronian years. Derek then allowed one of his loyal chimps to ride on the cactus planted over Brian's tomb. Bryan he found in a local pub and promptly introduced him to an old English gent who didn't believe turtles were reptiles. Bryan and e' ol' gent' spent the remainder of their days discussing such subtleties as the qualifications of the reptilian and amphibious classes. Bryan promptly forgot about Brian and hailed Derek as the most glorious being on the earth at that time. Luckily for Bryan, that statement prevented e' ol' gent' from disemboweling Bryan and parading his naked castrated corpse throughout the streets on the following day. Derek then went back to his evil machinations and managed to become the key builder of the statues that Jeremy had raised all over the world. Derek turned each statue into a massive mechwarrior piloted by highly specialized teams of chimps and coo-coos (a coo-coo being and aborigine child (these particular models had had their brains replaced and had numerous cybernetic implants)). After Derek had hidden his mechs in plain sight across the globe he used his powers to go to Jeremy and to manipulate Jeremy's limited* (*as compared to a zeta-minus) intellect. Derek caused Jeremy to cease the capitalization of his name and to develop dyslexia. Then the next time jeremy tried to laugh maniacally "Mu HA HA HA!!!!", the resulting sound sounded like "HA HA HA Mu!!!!". The population of the world began to laugh hysterically at Jeremy's disabilities and promptly threw him out of power. Derek then began to gather more of his zealous supporters and reestablish the Derecian Cult on a global scale. The Spawn of Bo-Bo also again rose to prominence, and coincidentally in Africa® (soon to be an amusement park of Derektopia) one of Jeremy's tribes of rats was overrun by sive wielding penguins and a battalion of llama mercenaries. The rats were forced to sign a humiliating treaty and pay an indemnity of 2,000 pounds of cheese, a jar of mayonnaise, and 12 bananas each year for the next twenty years. Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, Bryan and that old English gent were in a heated debate over weather or not a barrel cactus would grow in the Nevada desert. They went to Nevada and scoured the area in search of and sign of a barrel cactus. They finally sighted one and the old gent gave Bryan 50 Derek dollars (one Derek dollar is the equivalent of .00024 pesos). When they were about to leave they heard a loud crunching sound coming from underneath the cactus. They dug down to find the sound and discovered Brian sitting there, happily eating Cheetos. His hands, face, and beach towel had turned bright orange from all of the cheese. It turns out that Jeremy had accidentally given Brian his experimental bottomless bag of Cheetos. Brian got out of his tomb, looked up and said, "You've done it now Jeremy, this time its personal. Well, I guess it was kind of personal all of those other times that you attempted to kill me, but now without the moon my lunar watch will be useless." He tied the orange towel around his neck to serve as a cape and began running towards where he thought Jeremy would be. It turns out he had guessed correctly, Jeremy was working at the zoo cleaning the rhino cage. Brian came up from behind him and rubbed his hands in Jeremy's eyes. Jeremy fell to the ground in searing pain. Brian then removed Jeremy's brain, replaced it with some Cheetos and threw the lifeless body into the bat exhibit. He then decided to create a little experiment of his own. He placed Jeremy's brain in the rear end of the rhino and connected it so that it was aware of its situation. The only influence Jeremy could exert was the ability to swish the rhino's tail back and forth. For the next several days, Brian entertained himself by throwing rocks at the rhino and watching the tail swish back and forth in a maddening rage. Brian then decided that he needed to save the world from impending doom. Without the moon the tides had gone out of whack. Most of Jeremy's cities became flooded and his "statues" short circuited and were all destroyed. He mocked Derek and his feeble attempts towards world domination. He then proceeded to construct a massive capsule. Using a flute and a tape recorder, he made a recording and placed it in the bottom of the capsule. In no time at all, millions upon millions of rats swarmed into the capsule in an exodus of epic proportions. When the capsule was full, Brian plugged the entrance and shot it into orbit around the earth. In the creation of the capsule, Brian had smeared his cheese covered hands all over the capsule, thus creating the myth of the moon being made out of cheese. With the world safe for the moment, Brian decided to capitalize on the situation. Soon Cheetos were all the fad and he made a small fortune. He promptly purchased Africaland® from Derek and tore it down to harvest the elements he would use to make nuclear weapons. He then had money left over and decided to trademark the words the®, at®, and®, and supercalafragilisticexpalidocious®.

End of Chronicle VII

Chronicle VII (Version 2.14 rev. ed.)

It was true that Derek had successfully created a "partial reality" and an "unreality;" however, the partial reality horribly backfired in the favor of Jeremy. Since the unreality as mentioned above never existed and will never exist, you will now be informed of the partial reality. Jeremy was still the World Emperor and his statues had indeed been made into mechwarriors that he used to scour the land for any remnants of Derekism and the Spawn of BoBo. Jeremy did develop dyslexia, but only in his laugh. However, his "Ha Ha Ha Mwah" was actually accepted by his people and many tried to copy his laugh with no avail. His unique laugh caused everyone to love him more and Jeremy ruled a peaceful world with no competition. Derek, due to his partial reality was able to escape the fiery, burning, scorching rays of the Sun, unfortunately, but he awoke at the zoo, inside the rhino cage. After the zoo manager same him from the rhino, he offered him a job to clean the rhino, which he could not refuse. Derek had been suffering from amnesia ever since waking up in the cage and he thought that being with animals of the same intelligence as he would allow him to recuperate. After Brian was unburied from his Amazonian-Nevadan, Cheeto-filled grave, he went to the zoo and found Derek. Mistaking him for Jeremy (Brian could not see very well because he had Cheeto-cheese in his eyes), he quickly rub his hands in Derek's eyes, took out his brain, and threw his lifeless body into the bat exhibit. He then put Derek's brain (which was much smaller than he had imagined) into the rear end of the rhino where he continuously taunted the feeble, confused brain of Butt-Brained Derek, as he is now called. Brian then decided to re-create the moon before global scale flooding occurred. When he played the flute recording, instead of rats entering the capsule, Derek's lifeless body, Bryan, a bunch of mayonnaise, and the bottomless bag of Cheetos entered the capsule. After Brian had smeared his hands on the capsule and launched it into space, he realized his mistake. He left to ponder all his past mistakes and misdemeanors and to try and get the Cheeto-cheese out of his eyes and off his body. Jeremy, however, knew all along that these were special Cheetos. Not only were they bottomless, but they also were not able to decompose. Brian tried to get the cheese off for years, but to no avail. Because of his orange-colored impairment, he was only able to find one job: He had to pop all the pimples on e' ol' English gent's back twice a day. He was paid with a place to live and a special bath tub so he would turn 'e ol' gent's bath tub orange. Because of Brian's quick and decisive moon-creating stunt, Jeremy's many cities were not flooded and Jeremy's glorious reign continued. Jeremy trademarked the words the®, at®, and®, fickle®, and box® and completed a new machine which he also patented. Using his new machine, he altered the time-space continuum to make this partial reality into actual reality, and thus we see that Jeremy is really the best and that he will always, always win.

End of Chronicle VII (For Reals)