(An epic struggle ensues as an aborigine and a penguin fight over the pen. The penguin mutters an insulting remark in a strange language and hits the aborigine with a piece of Bashas' deli select salami. The penguin then picks up The Scroll and pen and finds a nice place to sit and write.)

Chronicle LXXIV:

(A second epic ensues in which the penguin is quickly and almost painlessly devoured by a pack of ravenous rats. Jeremy himself retrieves The Scroll and gives it to his squire which will now give the account of what happened to the real hero of the story. Jeremy also wishes to inform Derek that the hills really were alive, they really were.)

Chronicle V

It was true that Jeremy did eat radioactive cheese (among other things) and lose all his money and go insane. However, it is also true that Jeremy escaped his three-cornered prison by telepathically reaching His rats, imprisoned Brian on a flaming wheel, nuked Australia, and imprisoned Betsy Bayless all during his insanity. When he saw Brian flying that plane, he froze. At that moment, the curtain of his insanity lifted and he regained his normal state. He decided, however to play along. He eagerly signed Brian's contract on account that he wanted some regular human food to flush out the strange things he had eaten in the last while. He had an electron microscope with him and he read the fine print while Brian wasn't looking. While at the cheese factory, Jeremy set the first phase of his "New Deal" in action. He ate all the cheese, and cows in the entire factory and farm. After using the restroom, he went into Brian's office to tell him that he could no longer supply him with a lifetime supply of cheese and that according to clause 56 of the contract, Jeremy was entitled to his freedom and all of his earthly possessions. However, Brian was not in his office. Brian had gone to Wyoming and Jeremy's plan was put on hold. Jeremy waited in Brian's office, playing with some assorted objects that were on Brian's desk. Jeremy then discovered his ping-pong ball on Brian's desk which reminded him of his mental powers. Though his powers had been greatly dulled, he still possessed enough power to mentally move small objects and read minds. When Brian returned to his office, Jeremy ambushed him after he closed the door by jumping off the cabinet and knocking Brian out with a paper weight. Jeremy read Brian's mind, (or what was left of the grayed decaying matter) and decided to go visit Derek with a, you know, doctor to patient relationship. Jeremy dragged Brian back to the airfield and took the key to the plane. He promptly removed Brian's brain (or what was left of it) and stored it in a jar with pickled figs. He bound Brian to a medium-sized anvil using superglue and then completed the ensemble by fitting Brian's head with a helmet made of the top of a barrel cactus, which he also superglued to Brian's head. Brian was placed in the cargo drop area of the plain and Jeremy took off to pay tribute to Derek's misfortunes. Jeremy dropped Brian into the middle of the Black Sea and then found Derek on the Bikini Atoll. "Hello Derek," he said, "It's me, your physician. I'm going to perform a little surgery to help you feel better. Don't worry, this won't hurt... a lot." Jeremy removed Derek's brain and put Brian's decaying mass of a Brain in it's place. Derek's was placed in the pickled fig jar. Jeremy then amputated Derek's arms (in reality) and replaced them with long stubs of ham, each of a different length. He took Derek's arms and brain and put them in the plane. He then set out to gather the penguins and reinstate his empire. The peoples of the world readily betrayed their penguin leaders when they knew that Jeremy was able to make the same executive decisions and also speak English instead of Penguinese. Jeremy gathered his missing intellects from the penguins and was reunited with his former vast intelligence and wit. Jeremy then promptly let his rats feed upon the penguins. The world hailed him as a hero. Two weeks later, Jeremy flew out to Siberia and sewed Derek's arms onto Betsy Bayless, giving her 4 arms. Jeremy didn't really know what to do with Derek's brain. It was kind of useless. He tried giving it to a Zeta-minus, but the Zeta-minus became even dumber as it's IQ lowered to a -3, causing a small time paradox where Jeremy gained an extra eye and the zeta-minus shrunk to a mere 4 inches in height. The zeta-minus died and Jeremy took the now shrunken brain and buried it in his backyard. The world was in peace under Jeremy's rule for 2 years. The Derek now began to implement the second phase of his aforementioned vengeance. Luckily, having existed outside of space and time, Derek knew that Jeremy would maltreat him so grossly, and planned accordingly. He buried some of his special tools and some radioactive material in the exact spot Jeremy put his Brain (capitalized to show the awesome intellect it hoarded) after Jeremy put his Brain there. Using his tools and radioactive materials, Derek's Brain managed to meld itself to the very Earth, becoming the Earth, you might say. Then his Brain caused his body to be absorbed into the Earth, along with the arms that were sown to besty bayless (not capitalized to show the negligible intelligence possessed) and reassembled his body in and underground chamber he created. He kept the ham as a portable food source and created the underground fastness that would enable him to later assemble his army of the lower mantle. Then his Brain rejoined his body and he said, "Mu ha ha ha! Mu ha ha!" Then using a laptop with a wireless connection his Brain had created, he proceeded to sit in his fortress and manipulate Jeremy. He was able to do this because Jeremy had tried to reconstruct his intellect out of the modified intellects that The Derek had given to his penguin minions and had failed miserably. What resulted was a Jeremy that thought like a mix of Brian and Jeremy and liked to flatulate in public while riding vertical accelerators (aka go-karts (and because his intellect was partially Brian's, the go-kart was made out of pool supplies and powered by a small hand crank)). Jeremy then began to mismanage his huge empire so grossly, words such as "anarchy" "total chaos" "lawless rebellion" and "democracy" fall far short of the true horror exhibited in those fearful days. Derek, after Jeremy mismanaged the world (again), then began to compound Jeremy's predicament by hacking into his modified and confused intellect and forcing Jeremy to do odd things such as beating himself vigorously in public, growing a nose-hair mustache, and privately eating Swiss cheese with addictive chemical substitutes that also eliminate psychic ability. Derek never did anything, though, that caused Jeremy to mismanage his nations; he just mocked and mocked as Jeremy made a fool of himself. Derek then sent some of his minions to give Brian back his intellect and began to fragment and encode Jeremy's intellect for personal amusement. Meanwhile, Brian became fed up of having to live on the bottom of the Black Sea for 2 years and having to use a breathing pump that filtered out the oxygen from the water. So, he decided that if he couldn't swim up then he would have to dig down. And down he dug for about 90 miles according to his accounts. Suddenly, he burst through the lower mantle and all of the water in the sea began pouring into the magma infested abyss Derek called his home. The magma was cooled off by the water and the Earth itself began to die. Because Derek was connected to the Earth, he also felt the effects. He collapsed on the floor and the top of his skull popped off. Out ran his brain, which because of the radiation had grown legs, arms, and a brain of its own. It needed to find a powerful heating source so it quickly created a rocket out of a penguin hide and some duct tape and launched itself towards the sun. By the time that the brain knew that the sun was far to hot, it burned up and was destroyed forever, FOREVER. Upon realizing that he had doomed the Earth, Brian said, "my bad". He went over to Derek's lifeless body and started to do a ventriloquist act with it. Realizing that he didn't have time to waste, Brian plopped in a zeta-minus-minus brain (the dumbest of the species) and set Derek to work. Derek proceeded to use a hand pump and pump all of the water back into the lake. This took him a year and in the mean time, Brian decided to rule in his stead. One day during Brian's great, good, glorious, and other words that begin with g rule, a strange multi-appendaged political candidate appeared on his doorstep. It was angry with Derek because the only vote she got was from a blind old man. Brian told her that Derek was already being punished and her real beef should be with Jeremy. He told her that if she could bring him Jeremy's mutilated pinky, his 2nd wisdom tooth, one strand of his hair, and the answer to how many chucks can a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood, then he would reward her with a position in his puppet government. Brian didn't really want these things, he just wanted to get rid of that grotesque politician. Two weeks later Betsy Bayless returned to his stronghold. To Brian's surprise, she returned with all that he had asked for. He was really surprised at the hypothetical wood chucking ability of a woodchuck. Brian had no choice, and instilled her as governor of some dry, desolate land he called Arizona. He then set out to gather all of the woodchucks he could and augment their genes so that they could chuck wood when suddenly, well it wasn't really suddenly but rather gradually... Betsy Bayless asked him if he wanted some water. The situation was not as climactic as he was anticipating, and Brian politely refused the water. As he turned his back, Betsy Bayless attacked with a broken beer bottle. She hit Brian in the head but the Cactus Helmet had grown tough and permanently bonded to Brian's head, the blow was futile. However, shards of the glass grazed Brian's fragile, water-wrinkled skin. Brian yelped and whimpered in pain and started to cry. Betsy Bayless tied him up in a small storage shed and spoon fed him some long-lasting laxative called Relaxitive(R) (Brought to you by JeremyInc(C).) She then proceeded to take over the world, which she did so successfully. During this time Jeremy had been gathering strength and resources. His almost incinerated mind and body lied in a heap of fresh grass. He was living in a place he knew well, the Amazon, so he could maintain the sanity he still had. Jeremy was preparing for a special day, the day that he would be reborn. Back in 754 AD, Jeremy had created a special device to help him in the future. Jeremy had built a machine that would destroy any trace of his DNA and essence in the whole world (even in different dimensions) and allow him to be re-spawned into his original self with his full and powerful intellect and body. Jeremy, using what knowledge he had left climbed into the machine and pressed the on button. Immediately, all traces of Jeremy disappeared. The pinky, the pieces of unallocated brain and intellect, the fingerprints on the cookie jar, etc. A great light burst forth from the forest as Jeremy reappeared in all his splendor and glory. Jeremy set out to find his foes and enact his powerful revenge. Jeremy found that, to his surprise, Betsy Bayless was ruling the world. "What kind of madness is this, a petty Republican candidate has enacted world conquest completely unchecked by the will of the Jeremy, Brian, or Derek. Jeremy decided to first dispose of his other foes. He found Brian in a closet with a horrible smell emanating from the room. It was almost unbearable, but luckily, Jeremy had brought a gas mask just in case. Jeremy proceeded to cryogenically freeze Brian in that room. He left the room and locked it with a padlock and then painted over the door to look like the wall. Nobody ever noticed it was gone. Jeremy took his travel to the lower mantle to find a practically deceased Derek lying in the dead core of the Earth. Derek's white blood cells had destroyed the bacterial Zeta-minus brain and a new brain had been starting to grow inside Derek's head. Jeremy felt kind of bad at first, but then he realized that it was really funny, and finally realized what Brian had meant when he said "laughably weak." Jeremy mocked Derek for thirty-four and twelve quarter minutes. His malicious laugh echoed throughout the entire Earth, "Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, Mwah Mwah Mwah ha ha ha!!!" (The three "Mwah"s were do to the echo.) He then laughed when he realized that Derek's previous knowledge gathered when he was outside space and time was now gone as his original brain was now gone. Jeremy decided to test one of his new machines. The machine returned Derek to his Embryonic state and launched him in a pressurized capsule to the moon. Jeremy proceeded to laugh again and to laugh at Brian and to laugh at the misfortune of the whole world that was under Betsy Bayless's tyrannical rule. Jeremy then dowsed the core of the Earth with gasoline and dropped a match in before he left. The Earth's core was re-ignited and was saved from a most certain death. Weeks later, Betsy Bayless checked her email and opened a rather large email from a person named "Jeremy" that had a subject named "Mismanagement for Dummies." After reading the email, Betsy Bayless almost immediately mismanaged the globe. It proved to be the worst mismanagement that ever occurred on Earth. Within thirty-seven seconds, the citizens of all the world's territories raised up in rebellion, impeached Betsy, and sent her into a permanent exile. The Betsy Bayless mansion in England (which is where Brian was housed) was buried deep into the ground and covered in cornfields. Jeremy appointed leaders to act as socialist rulers for countries around the world. He printed thousands of copies of his new book, "Jeremy, and how to love him." To brainwash the world into loving and supporting Jeremy and how to properly rebel against the Derek and avoid insurance fraud. Jeremy took a peaceful month cruise around the globe to vacation from his last few troubled years. Jeremy, for the fun of it, nuked Africa and abolished all forms of Swiss cheese.

End of Chronicle V