What happened to Jeremy you ask? It is not a simple story. As part of his Derek-given alternate reality, Jeremy was confined to a small, dark, damp, brick room with moss growing on the walls which only had a single lamp hanging above a large wooden table that wobbled because one of the table legs was an inch too short. He spent his time playing with Democracies (Swiss Cheese) and holding the World (Ping-Pong Ball) in his hand. Soon he grew hungry and consumed his Democracies. One day, while playing with the ping-pong ball something hit him, literally. The ping-pong ball had bounced off the table and hit Jeremy where it hurts which caused him to fall over and hit his head on the table. When he arose he realized that the ping-pong ball wasn't really the world and he grew angry. He then turned off the Backstreet Boys because he also realized that other boys do not listen to boy bands. Without his intelligence, Jeremy had to think really, really hard to grasp easy concepts like forming speech-like sounds with his mouth. By playing with the ping pong ball, however, Jeremy was able to relearn the laws of physics and a lot of advanced calculus. With his accelerated learning rate, Jeremy became exceedingly intelligent and eventually developed telepathy, telekinesis, and cosmic awareness all from playing with the ping-pong ball. When Jeremy used his powers his eyes glowed blue and the ping-pong ball also glowed blue and hovered above his left shoulder. Using his abilities he discovered the location of his intelligence and used his powers to switch his tonsils with his intelligence. He then reunited his intelligence with his newfound intelligence, and, believe it or not, the pickling actually increased Jeremy's intelligence 42%. Who would've known? He called out for his rats with his telepathy to release him from his three-cornered, spherical prison. Specifically, they were large, highly-pressurized, aquatic rats. He was soon released only to discover, due to a programming error by Derek, that he had been existing in all fourteen dimensions! (You think Derek would have enough time to fine-tune his Visual Basic skills when he had eternity.) Jeremy used his powers to merge with his other 13 essences to create an ultimately intelligent, powerful, and handsome superhuman. (Jeremy however, did not steal Brian's pickled intelligence because it's poor knowledge and aptitude would've provided little or no value to him.) Jeremy found Derek just as he was being cornered by the mob that had been following him for the last two days. He looked rather tired from running and he had put on a little weight while he was sitting on his throne. Just as he was about to be utterly incinerated by the mob, Jeremy stopped them and told them to have compassion on Derek and his lovely new double-chin. He told them that Derek was only doing what Derek knew how to do, and even though Derek really wasn't that good at it, the people should not brutally murder him. Jeremy then turned to Derek and said, "You are free to think differently than me, and to retain your life, your clothes, and a small supply of ham; but if such be your determination, you are henceforth an alien among your people. You may retain some of your civil rights, but they will be useless to you, for you will never be chosen by your fellow citizens if you solicit their suffrages, and they will affect to scorn you if you solicit their esteem. You will remain among men, but you will be deprived of the rights of mankind. Your fellow creatures will shun you like a leprous freak, and those who are most persuaded of your innocence or greatness will abandon you too, lest they should be shunned or exiled in their turn. Go in peace! I have given you your life, but it is an existence incomparably worse than death." Jeremy then allowed the mob to chase Derek out of the city where he was bound and brought to Siberia. Derek was bound to a Three-and-a-half-cornered sphere and placed in the watch tower next to Brian's garbage bag clone and Jeremy's android where he was forced to listen to the same corny joke over and over and a Backstreet Boys CD. Just to make it an official cliche, Derek's left arm was amputated and replaced with a long stub made of ham. As Jeremy walked away from the tower, he decided to surround it with land mines, just for fun. As he stood and admired his ultimate intelligence, Jeremy said, "I hereby name this tower… The Gulag!" Weeks later, Brian was sued by a mysterious hooded man (That had a strange, sinister laugh like Jeremy's) claiming that Brian had infringed on the copyrighted named of Shadowfax which had been previously copyrighted by a man named Theodin. Brian was found guilty and was sentenced to incarceration and to be tied to a spinning, flaming wheel for eternity. Jeremy then decided, to prevent any future mishaps, to nuke Australia. Twenty-four thousand rats as well as twenty-four packets of factory sealed mayonnaise were sent to scour and inhabit the remains until a future date. (Because the rats had stolen the three-cornered sphere, Derek was, in fact, entitled to 80 trillion dollars worth of insurance money, but he was not around to collect it so Jeremy volunteered to take it and promptly pocketed it.) Brian was in prison, Derek was in exile, and Jeremy stepped back into the shadows to await the appropriate time to unleash his wrath upon the world.

End of Chronicle IV

Chronicle V
:<//CANCEL
:<//RETURN TO CHRONICLE IV

Chronicle IV

Or so he thought. The previous scribe "accidentally" ended Chronicle IV without including accounts of the other protagonists and "volunteered" for and extended "vacation" in "Aruba". Anyhow, back to the story of Jeremy. When Jeremy thought that he was eating "democracies" back in his old mold covered cell, he was, in fact, eating radio-active Swiss cheese. It was a special type of Swiss cheese. It came from a cow named Betsy, which The Derek had brought back from the future from radioactive Australia after it had eaten a packet of mayonnaise. Let me tell you, it was not a pretty sight. After Jeremy ate his "democracies" his eyes did indeed start glowing blue, and, do to an oversight on the part of The Derek, did come to some type of awareness. This awareness proved to be short lived however and Jeremy began to go slowly insane. Instead of hunting Derek down, Jeremy, as a result of the madness, hunted down candidate Betsy Bayless and placed her bloated carcass in prison where she remains to this day. And, also on account of the madness, Instead of recovering his "intellect" Jeremy absorbed the mental capacity of one of his rats. He did manage to place Brian on that spinning wheel though. Meanwhile The Derek had plans of his own to hatch and was creating an army of flatulent penguins armed with vertical accelerators (aka go-karts). Unfortunately, penguins do not have the intellect necessary to operate a go-kart, but by inserting small modified copies of Brian's and Jeremy's intellects into the penguins, he was able to teach them the required tricks. After his successful experience with the penguins, Derek contacted his agents on the mainland and learned what Jeremy had done. After laughing maniacally for quite some time The Derek sprang into action. The Derek sued Jeremy for plagiarism of a document he had written under an assumed name while residing outside of space and time, namely "Constitutionalism: The Tyranny of the Majority". The Derek won his lawsuit and was awarded 80 trillion dollars for Jeremy's outrageous offense. The Derek then called the insurance company and informed him of his whereabouts so that he might receive the 80 trillion dollars owed him. The insurance company paid The Derek (who now had 160 trillion dollars stashed away and protected by his minions) and promptly sued Jeremy for insurance fraud and was awarded another 100 trillion dollars for Jeremy's crimes. The Derek then found the wheel Brain had been tied to and, using his infinite knowledge of physics, The Derek locked Brian, still tied to his flaming wheel, into a large gym bag, just before he locked the gym bag into the nether region just past the 13th gate of Hell. meanwhile, while The Derek was imprisoning Brian still further, Jeremy went mad after losing all his money. Jeremy then promptly moved to Australia where he ate all of his rats and mayonnaise. The resulting madness (compounded by the multiple disgusting things he had eaten, (which included but was not limited to Betsy the radioactive cow, many pressurized rats, three stray penguins, a llama with a guru on his back, a small colony of larva, and no less than 19 two headed chickens) caused Jeremy to run around the Alps singing about how the hills were alive and how nuns were good at fighting nazi's. Meanwhile Brian had had quite a while to think while tied to that flaming wheel. So much time, in fact, that he realized Derek was an idiot (he already knew that Derek was an idiot, this just reinforced his belief). Derek told his minions to lock Brian in a gym bag just past the 13th gate of hell, but they thought he was using the abbreviation for the army's new experimental plane: the GYMbionic Blow Away Goats airship with a gateway computer and 13 hellfire missiles. Brian was now in control of the only plane on earth and thus the most powerful weapon ever created. He had to use this new weapon to regain control of the world, so the first thing he did was stop at Subway to eat... but then the second thing he did was to marvel the populous with his flying abilities. He then decided to fly up to the mountains to blow away some goats when he saw a human-like figure running on all fours through the mountains. He flew low so as to mock the creature and to throw his sub wrapper at it. When the creature saw Brian it froze. It was entirely brown from mud, was foaming at the mouth, its eyes glowed, its hair was 10 feet long, it had large cancerous lumps all over its body, and was eating everything around it. Brian immediately said, "Jeremy! You haven't changed a bit!" Jeremy's only response to this sarcastic statement was, "CHEESE! CHEESE! ME WANT CHEEEEEESE!" So Brian said, "Come with me and I will give you all the cheese you want. Mu ha ha ha ha!... um, forget that last part." Jeremy quickly hopped in and Brian flew him to the Palace of Versailles. There he drafted up an unbreakable contract that said Brian would provide Jeremy with a lifetime supply of cheese. Jeremy signed it and immediately afterwards Brian had his guards seize Jeremy and throw him in a prison in Wisconsin (a.k.a. the Gulag III). There, Jeremy worked in a factory taste testing cheese. Jeremy was happy with his new life unknowingly having given Brian all of his possessions, for you see, at the bottom of the contract a clause existed which could only be read by an electron microscope. It stated that if Brian provided him with a lifetime supply of cheese, then Jeremy would have to hand over his rat army, his mayonnaise, his trillions of dollars, and any other meager possessions he had. With this new power and wealth, Brian sought out to find what Derek was up to and, if time allowed, to sue him for mental anguish. He found Derek to be in a small town in northern Wyoming. He was running against a 5 year old kid for the position of mayor. Brian not only mocked Derek's feeble attempts at running for such a small position, but also because he was losing to the kid. There was a debate that night and Brian decided to pretend that he was a reporter. He asked the question, "What brought you two here to be running for mayor of this town of 23 people?" Derek answered first, "Well its a long story, it started out when I attempted to make a penguin army. My mistake was using Brian and Jeremy's intellects to power them. They soon developed their own will and decided to take a hand at world domination. To make a long story short, many penguinistic states were created and most of the world now is under the belief of penguinism. I decided to lay low a while and now here I am." The five year old kid then answered," I ran because I know that I can beat this moron over here!" This enraged Derek and he proceeded to head butt the kid until his face was smashed in and bleeding. Not the kid's face, but rather Derek's (for he is still laughably weak). Derek ran off the stage and hid in an alley. Brian followed him and told Derek that he was a doctor and was going to take him to the hospital. Derek, being unable to see, followed Brian to the island of Bikini Atoll. Brian strapped him to a bed and told him that he needed to get some rest. Brian then went back in his plane to defeat the penguin infidels.

End of Chronicle IV