As Derek's clone Derrick slowly healed from Jeremy's malicious goring, Derek continued onward with an evil plot he had concocted while "Deremy" wrote the new constitution. Derek, being by far the most superior intelligence in the union, had maintained control of all operable appendages of the rhino. Jeremy, on the other hand, had been found unable to control much more than the expulsion of used food products from the rhino's posterior. So that had been Jeremy's job, and he did exactly that, leaving Derek to write the constitution alone...So...Derek did exactly that. Derek then created Derrick, his slightly dumber and weaker clone for Jeremy to molest. Derek then proceeded to use the laws instituted under the Derecian regime that declared all assets of Jeremy, Bryan, e' ol' English gent', rats, mayonnaise, zeta-minuses, and Brian the property of the Derecian Regime pending the dispensation of the head of the aforementioned government, of which Derek was the head. Derek then seized all of the assets of the aforementioned parties with the exception of Brian's barrel cactus, and proceeded to rule the greatest period of prosperity the world had ever and would ever know (Derek having lived outside of time he was in a position to know worthless bits of trivia along these lines). In fact the world loved "Their Derek", as they affectionately began to call him, so much that they began voluntarily donating 87.94% of their income to Derek as a token of their appreciation. Derek used those funds to publicly broadcast the foibles of his intellectually limited opponents. Specifically, that involved live channels continuously on Betsey Bayless, Brian, Bryan, Jeremy, 'e ol' English gent', and the environmentalists. The world grew to know these pathetic icons and they were routinely used as objects of ridicule thanks to Derek's pointing out such amusing foibles as Jeremy's nose picking and Brian's poo-eating. Other faults dutifully noted by the world population include, but do not exclude any of a number of disturbing facts not included in an effort to preserve the "G" rating of "THE SCROLL CHRONICLES", disturbingly ugly features, an almost comically limited intelligence, large multi-dimensional warts, moles, ect, and the demonic bouts of madness that periodically wracked their very souls to such an extent that they would cry out for the destruction of humanity in a twisted effort to force the world to suffer their pains 10 trillion times over!!!!!!! MU HA HA HA! MU HA HA! (a brief pause ensues as the scribe celebrates the first occurrence of maniacal laughter in many moons) (the Scroll Chronicles then continue where they left off) MU HA HA HA!!! Derek's publicity worked so well that sitcoms and soap operas began to imitate villainous characters that inevitably had names like "Briamy" and "Jerian". In fact after a short time people began to idolize their hero, DEREK, and to demonize "Brian" and "Jeremy". New evidence was found that conclusively proved that neither was actually human, both were subspecies whose intelligences were surpassed by even the poo-iest of poo-eaters (whom Brian had tried to imitate by eating poo). Derek began to be adored as a near deity whose few flaws were regarded as amusing foibles and his many, many, many magnificent, magnanimous, and majestic qualities were expounded and magnified. Derek ruled in peace and prosperity for 7 years...until it came time for Brian to be released from his cactus and sent on his way. Due to being hung upside down, his head had swollen to twice the normal size and the added blood in it allowed his brain cells to split and multiply rapidly. He now could use 10% of his brain. (as opposed to Jeremy's .3%, Derek's .28%, and the zeta-minuses' .0001E-12%) While Brian was walking through the desert, he saw a massive facility in the distance. On the side of the building it read, "this is an ordinary mustard breeding and packaging facility, any resemblance to a facility that would harbor mayonnaise is completely coincidental." He thought this to be weird but continued on his epic walk anyway. After two months of walking, he made it to the charred remains of the moon that resembles a giant six sided dice. He then looked inside of the dice to discover that his plan had been successful. For inside there was a computer that he had built that would send subliminal messages over the airways. When Brian developed this system, television or radio hadn't been invented yet. So, when Derek thought that he was being "clever", (this act being the most clever thing he had done although it would be considered insignificant by any other human) he actually was unleashing a new wave of Brian's wrath...I mean enlightenment. Brian then got into his car, which resembled a 12-sided die, and drove to the nearest city. People instantly recognized him and lavished him with an indescribable bounty. Well, I guess it could be described, but my pen would run out of ink before I could even list a portion of the gifts. Anyhoo, Brian said something and it is speculated to have sounded something like, "excellent". He then made all of the people under his command make an oath of loyalty and get the symbol of Brian tattooed on their arm. The symbol consists of a red cactus encircled by the words, "Brian is our supreme lord and master, I shall do anything that he may bid, even if that means touching my nose with my tongue". All of the dissenters who didn't watch TV were put on a boat and exiled to the North Atlantic. Brian noticed that Derek and Jeremy were not on the boat and he smelled a rat (an expression coined due to the fact that most evil things originate from Jeremy). He offered a 25 million dollar bounty on these rebel scum and the world was scoured by bounty hunters. Two weeks later, their disheveled heads were brought before Brian. He was about to pay the bounty when he realized that these were not their heads but rather were disfigured chicken fetuses. He then shouted, "you idiots! Can't you tell the difference between... well, I guess its an honest mistake. I guess I shall take it upon myself to find them." He then told the security guards at the front desk that he would be stepping out for a while. Brian shot a double take at them, then a triple take, and finally a quadruple take. It was Jeremy and Derek. On their arms, they had the loyalty tattoo. It turns out that, because of their weak minds, they were among the first to be influenced by the relentless propaganda. Just to be sure that they were not trying to infiltrate Brian's empire, they were given a lie detector test and forced to place their hands on Brian's cactus laced head and swear allegiance (a feat that could not be done by a fake due to the fact that only the loyal are unaffected by its poisonous barbs.) Ten minutes later, Jeremy administered the antidote to the poison to himself, and washed off the removable tattoo. Jeremy was easily able to fake the lie-detector test being as primitive as it was. He then gently wrapped up his acupunctured hand with gauze and promptly took the time to laugh at Derek, who actually got a real tattoo. He was still lying on the floor babbling about how great Brian was (or was supposed to be.) Jeremy, feeling quite cruel, kicked Derek really hard in the ribs and left him there to rot. Jeremy walked up to Brian while acting like he was under his control and ask him for a command. Brian told Jeremy, "Hit yourself in the head!" To this Jeremy replied, "No, you tyrannical freak." The hosts of Brian's brainwashed empire turned to face the one who had defied their master's orders. Jeremy climbed onto a podium and began delivering a speech about how Brian had been brainwashing and manipulating them while dodging fits from the now enraged Brian. The people immediately snapped out of their brainwashed walking a coma and turned on their former master by riling up against him and joining Jeremy's cause. While Jeremy was thus amazed at his easy success, Brian took the opportunity to hit Jeremy in the head with a wooden mallet that he seemingly pulled out from nowhere. However, this blow did not adversely affect Jeremy, in reality it freed up 22.5% of his brainpower in which he used to devise a plan. Using his multidimensional warts, he seemingly disappeared and reappeared in a moment. When he returned he was wearing gloves and holding a twenty-foot tall saguaro cactus with unusually long needles. Using this cactus, he slammed Brian into the wall, pinning him to the wall with majestic power. Brian cried out in pain from the searing needles (he was not used to saguaro cactuses.) Brian was powerless. Jeremy newfound followers, followed him out the door, and on their way out they each took a turn at kicking Derek in the ribs. As Jeremy left, he wondered why Derek was still lying on the ground worshiping Brian. As he looked at Derek's tattoo he laughed as he figured out why Derek was behaving so oddly. Instead of saying, "Brian is our supreme lord and master, I shall do anything that he may bid, even if that means touching my nose with my tongue," it said, "Brian is my supreme lord and sister, I shall do anything that I do in my bed, even if that means filling my mouth with cow dung." Jeremy muttered to himself, "Well, that explains why he is on the ground and why he is suddenly obsessed with poo-eating." Jeremy retired to his mustard manufacturing factory (wink-wink) and later ran for president of the United States and won in every state except for Florida, which turned out as a tie because of some strange voting problem. Anyway, five days after his inauguration, Jeremy took over all branches of government and passed the 28th and 29th amendments declaring that Jeremy was the supreme lord and master of the land and that Jeremy gets whatever he wants from anybody, anything, anywhere, anytime, everybody, everything, everywhere, and every time. The amendment was ratified by 49 out 49 states (Florida was sold to a very suspicious man wearing a blue and plaid checkered coat for 67 gafrazillion dollars. When Jeremy realized that gafrazillion dollars was not a number, he had the man killed, and later sold it to a second suspicious man for $3,758,893,113.) The world was in peace and prosperity for 6 and 2/3 months. Luckily, for those 6 and 2/3 months Derek was firmly in control of his mammoth empire. You see, Derek, beings as inestimably clever as he is, decided to improve his popularity ratings through the use of reality TV. Derek enabled Brian and Jeremy to escape thier "prisons" and "take over" the world in what became the most impressive mass marketing scheme to date. Unfortunately, Derek's clone, Derrick, was kicked mercilessly and became addicted to poo, an addiction he shared with Brian. Derek's scheme worked so well that the government became even richer and the world prospered under our Derek's benign influence. Derek had cleverly used Jeremy to pass several amendments to the constitution, which instated himself as the eternal and supreme ruler. That was the 28th amendment; Jeremy became the supreme ruler (notice the clever pun; ruler as in instrument of measure) of congress in the 29th and was used to measure stupidity and generally mocked. Jeremy had never actually read the proposed amendments and had no idea of the immeasurable power he now granted to the Derek (one of those powers being flight) through the many clauses of the amendment (one of which declared the laws of physics to be unnecessary for The Derek). Using his newfound powers Derek became more loved than ever and his popularity seemed to know no bounds. Meanwhile Jeremy and his multidimensional warts became so hated that the people unanimously called for his eternal imprisonment. So Drek (the "e" is dropped in circumstances where Derek is involved in ominous or maniacal plotting or activities) conceived a supremely maniacal plan with which to imprison Jeremy, or do-do breath as he was commonly called. Jeremy always worked out in his "mustard factory" and Drek knew. One day when do-do breath was attempting to squat 335 lbs the floor suddenly gave way, and Jeremy was dropped into a small cramped cell filled with bacteria that would slowly turn him into mayonnaise (for clarities sake, it was the same type of bacteria that was used to devastate Jeremy's army earlier and was called Ybe_Ungerh-Ntua) As Jeremy was slowly turned into Mayonnaise, Derek continued onward and met up the ol' English gent'. An epic conversation ensued which led to attaching a homing device and hobble to Brian and allowing him to roam free-range in the Ganges river basin. There, Brian realized the error of his ways and began to eat grass to cleanse the poo from his system. Although futile, the episode was caught on film and allowed Brain to be mocked and reviled with renewed vigor by audiences across the globe. The conversation also led to a new supremacy clause which read, "Derek is Supreme and shall be obeyed with unsurpassed vigor. Derek may pass any laws necessary to facilitate the above directive and a re-establishment of Africa Land®." There, in that radioactive paradise, the llamas, penguins, rats, and zeta minuses, again engage in their sporadic warfare and advanced English compositions. The llamas attempted to branch out into Spanish and Latin but became bored and invaded the rats and zeta minuses. It was about this time that the phrase, " Ook Dook Taggi Nooget", came into use once again. Later, much later people wondered what it meant, but only a few knew of the ancient and proud history of that ancient phrase, and both of them mocked Jeremy with unsurpassed vigor in their free time. Meanwhile Jeremy was finally turned into a large blob of mayonnaise and was divided into several large tubs and sold to fast food restaurants. Derek, having grown bored with his world dominion, then abdicated and returned to Malaysia where he trained with the Spawn of BoBo for the next 6 and 2/3 months.

End of Chronicle IX