Dictatorship for Dummies, the prequel to the best-selling novel, Mismanagment for Dummies, published by JeremyInc©. This book was awarded the Pulitzer Prize in 1259 AD.


Introduction:

Have you ever felt the need to have control? To have power over others and implement your will upon them? Many feel this impulse yet are unable to materialize this into more than a thought. Not anymore, this book will teach you common techniques on how to take control. Weather it be over a pencil or the entire world, this book will outline the key elements necessary to exert your influence. Authored by one of the leading experts on global domination, this book will review the successful, and sometimes not so successful, empires that have existed throughout history. If you are too lazy to read this book but still want to exert influence over others, might I suggest hitting them over the head with my unabridged hardback copy of it. (Available at a black market near you.)

Chapter 1 (Starting Out):

The first thing one must do in their quest to seek dominance is to establish exactly what it is that they want to control. The goal must not be to lofty at first because you are merely starting out. Might I suggest using a banana, or if those are unavailable then use some of Derek's brain matter. Start by giving it simple commands: stay or play dead are effective ones. Once it is under your control, teach it things so that once it is out of your hands, it will still hold to your philosophy and do your biddings. Once you gain confidence with these small objects, you can move onto larger more complex things. Three-toed ground sloths and N*SYNC are creatures that start out with a will of their own but are easily influenced by shiny objects. Work with these until they are mindless zombies (the way to test this is by releasing them at night and seeing if they will go and feast upon the Backstreet Boys). If all appears successful then you are ready to move on to the next step, if not then keep trying, they will eventually come around.

Chapter 2 (Forming an Army):

Now that you have a large amount of mindless drones, what do you do with them? Why not turn them into your own personal army. The first thing you need to do is divide your army into a hierarchy of groups in order to keep them organized. The order should be from largest to smallest: division, battalion, regiment, hoard, swarm, company, and platoon. Do not attempt to achieve this structure unless you have at least 10,000 followers.

Chapter 3 (Taking Over a Country or Political Body):

Now that you have a sufficient fighting force, you must pick a country or organization to take over. A word of advice, the smaller countries are much easier to take control of and though they may appear to be small, they will serve as a springboard to controlling larger ones. I personally started out by taking control of the League of Women's Voters. This was a hard fought battle in which many of my minions perished and is too gruesome to be included in the scrolls. Yet, it served as a starting point and I subsequently took control over Angola, NATO, The League of Nations, Jeremy's rats (for a brief portion of time), Canada, The Roman Empire, and the drive through window at Wendy's. Once you are content with the size of your Republic (call it that because people don't like the word empire or dictatorship in which the ruler lives in grand opulence and the people starve) then put your army into defensive positions so that no other country will take away what you have earned. Also develop a personal body guard that will remain loyal to you. This is something that Derek forgot to do and he was betrayed by the Spawn of BoBo.

Chapter 4 (Developing Loyalty):

You have just taken over a large amount of land, and with it the local inhabitants. If you do not treat these people kindly and give them something that the previous government could not provide them with, then the peasants will rise against you and eject you from office. My suggestion is to not do any major purging for the first couple of days. Give the people paid holidays, new schools, shiny metal objects, and lots and lots of ham. They will repay you by erecting statues, singing songs, and giving you a nice corporate office.

Chapter 5 (Naming Your Capital):

I suggest that you name your city by combining your first name with something like -stan or -grad or even -opolis. If you have the support of the people then they will readily accept this. It is just one more way to exert the ultimate dominance over others.

Chapter 6 (Copyrighting):

Copyrighting things and suing people to use them is an easy way to give yourself a little extra cash in your pocket. Now I know what you’re thinking, I don’t have any great ideas or things to copyright. If this is the case then get creative. Try finding a word that is commonly used and copyright that. Take it from me, I have had much experience in this area. My greatest copyrighting benefit was when I took the name of Jeremy’s empire, Sony. He had to hand over the entire empire and I ruled mercilessly over it... for a couple of years. My point is, anyone can find something to make their own as long as they look hard enough.