Alchemy, Rats, and Mayonnaise, a journal written by Jeremy published by JeremyInc© that describes useful ways to use rats and mayonnaise, and also shows formulas in which to start your alchemy career. Contained on this page are several excerpts from the book. The full book can now be purchased at book stores near you.


Excerpts from the "Introduction":

"...How did I turn a golden castle into Mayonnaise? There is quite a strange answer to this question. Some of you would consider it 'illogical', but I know this is how I did it. Turning the gold into mayonnaise was very easy. I took a plastic butter knife and some Iron Kids Bread®, and simply started to spread the gold onto the bread, after letting the gold sit on the bread for 23 minutes and 38 seconds, it suddenly spews forth mayonnaise. A strange yet valid process it was. You may also be wondering how exactly I got those ------, crazed rats to nest in the mayonnaise; that can also be explained. I simply threw a piece of Swiss cheese (yes, Swiss) into the center of the mayonnaise. The rats hadn't eaten in so long, they all rushed into the mayonnaise. At first, it was hard for them to move around inside the moldering pile of mayo, but with time they adapted to it and found it quite comfortable to live..."

Excerpts from Chapter 1 - "Rats and Rat Control":

"...Once a rat has been lured to your place of residence, you must feed it to make it stay. But feed it only in moderation, let the rat know that you are in charge and that you decide its eternal fate. When you have established a business relationship with the rat you can then befriend the rat. Talk to it and give it compliments on its shiny coat or tail. Play board games with the rat, they especially prefer Chutes and Ladders, as it is the only game they can really comprehend. Once you have befriended the rat, you must volenteer your services as a 'Rat Trainer' and coax them into taking 'lessons'. When they have excepted you may thus begin combat training. Train them to complete tasks by word commands. Soon they will develop their own unique battle tactics. Organize the rats into ranks and platoons, and make sure you reward their 'good efforts'. They will then become completely loyal to you if you have done everything properly. Then all you must do is simply say 'Attack Derek' or 'Attack Brian' and your semi-evil commands will be fulfilled. One of the best features of rats is that they multiply quickly, producing hordes of vermin soldiers within months..."

Excerpts from Chapter 5 - "Uses for Mayonnaise":

"...I have discovered many uses for the strange smelling substances. First off, I will name the obvious ones. Mayonnaise is great to put on sandwiches like Ham & Cheese, Ham & Turkey, Turkey Clubs, Sub Sandwiches, Peanut Butter & Jelly Sandwiches, and BLT's. Obese Americans love Mayonnaise, and it can be used to feed them if needed. Now I will examine some less known, yet very efficient ways to appropriatly use mayo. Mayo can be used as pet homes; dogs and rats are especially accustomed to it. Mayo can also be used in tactical warfare. Mayo bombs can be extremely useful, as they will render most tanks and helicopters completely useless. Mayonnaise walls can also be used as a defensive mechanism. But I must say, from first hand experience, that mayonnaise makes great soldiers. They must first be exposed to radiation to recieve life, but it turns out that mayonnaise actually develops organs and the essential parts to have life. It is quite miraculous..."

Excerpts from Chapter 7 - "Alchemy Formulas and Help":

"...Alchemy was considered to be the proto-chemistry in the medieval times; however, Alchemy has been around much longer. Alchemy is the process in which people try to turn metals or other common substances into gold. Alchemy also has to deal with the creation of the elixir of life which can grant the drinker immortality. Alchemy is possible using nuclear reactions. When certain Uranium particles undergo a fission transmutation, it will readily break up into Gold and Barium. It is also in theory possible to turn mayonnaise into gold. Gold is the 79 element which means it contains 79 protons per atom. Mayonnaise is a hydro-carbon that contains a total of 316 protons per molecule. When Mayonnaise is super-heated and converts into its plasma state, (the fourth state of matter) it then forms four group of 79 protons (if you do it right.) When it cools down, bingo, you get 4 atoms of gold for every molecule of mayo..."