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During the digital age, an electronic war of wits and mockery ensued between The Beloved Jeremy and the desperate derek (sic). I have written this article to report to the public how this battle was ensued.




Written by: Derek
Date: Friday, April 04, 2003 4:19 PM
Subject: Random Email...

Originally I sent all of you an actual email.  My computer froze and
now it is gone.  While I orinally suspected some devios new ploy of 
Jeremies to gain controll of the world through a disruption of the 
electronic mail services, I soon realized that Jeremy, with only 0.004%
the brain power of an average human, could not have dreamed of any 
design so complex or ingenious.  At that point I wondered why does this
always happen right when I am ready to send the email...  My query drew
the intention of Mr. Reality.  He tried to visit me, but his car would 
not start.  Instead I met Phil.  Phil had a giant spoon, and, after
demonstrating numerous parlor tricks that must have been great at parties,
he began to explain what had happened.  After the first few words he 
forgot what he was going to say and so offered to use his giant spoon to
read my future.  Knowing my future I was naturally curios what this 
charlatan would display, and so I accepted his offer.  He began making 
obscene gestures with the spoon.  Soon the lights went out and I saw my 
future in the glowing head of the spoon...  But I got bored, so I turned 
the lights on.  Phil was a little peturbed that he had not been able to
display my future to me, and in a manner that seems characteristic of 
half-mortal demibeings, he began to threaten me.  At this time I still 
had my constitutionaly granted powers to defy physics and so I toyed with
him for a time before feeding him to a nearby heard of goats.  Then I 
came back and wrote this email.  The links you requested are listed below.

Signed (in an signature that seems to emenate power despite it's 
simplicity) :  THE DEREK
>
>- http://thescroll.cjb.net
>- http://mhsbowling.cjb.net
>- http://umbrellamusic.tk



Written by: Jeremy
Date: Sunday, April 06, 2003 11:39 AM
Subject: Another Random Email

Dear Mortals,
 
I has become apparent to me that my estranged opponent has resulted to
using false statistics to mock my vast intelligence.  I assure you this 
is because Derek has become increasingly more jealous because his limited
intellect cannot comprehend my great, good, and glorious vastness of pure
intelligence and knowledge in which I have applied hundreds of times 
throughout history to foil his obscure, idiotic plans.  (If you just 
observe his horrific spelling errors you will be able to comprehend that 
his intelligence is far below at least 95% of all invertebrates.)  I will 
leave him to play with his petty spoons and overly sour oranges as I 
conquer the world in a more professional and sane manner.  I would also 
like to include in this brief email two shameless plugs which state thus:
"Support Jeremy for World Emperor! - 2010" and "Down with Derek!  Beat up
Brian!"  Thank you very much fellow Earthlings, and I hope that this 
misunderstanding has been eliminated.
 
Your Future Emperor,
 
    Jeremy C. Lindblom
 (jeremeamia@hotmail.com)
 
 
- http://thescroll.cjb.net
- http://mhsbowling.cjb.net
- http://umbrellamusic.tk



Written by: Derek
Date: Friday, April 11, 2003 5:08 PM
Subject: Another Random Email, Revisited

--In answer to the unjust and unfounded claims of Jeremy I direct you to
read an excerpt from a recently published copy of "So you want to be like
Derek"


---

...I cannot believe the depth of depravity to which "Jeremy" has sunk.  
That he dare call statistical evidence obtained through what you mortals
would term "eons" of the most exacting expirements designed to represent 
the actuality of this new "reality" in it's exactitude false is evidence of 
his disturbing tendencies towards debauchery and tom-foolery. (As if hi 
illegal addiction to mayonaise and unicorn blood is not proof enough of his 
villanous ways.)  HOW DARE a fool of such unquestionable magnitude ever hope
to ascend the painstaking path leaders must follow to gain the love, tust, 
and devotion of the common masses?!  HOW DARE he plan to set himself up as
an Emperor, a law only to himself?!!  HOW DARE he attempt to violate the most
basic of human rights, the right to freedom!  The right every man has to 
think for himslef; to choose a future for himself.  We cannot allow such a 
tyrant to place his foot upon our necks; to bear us to the ground with the 
twin burdens of taxation and slavery.  We must unite!!!  Already this 
"Jeremy" (if that be what this scoundral is trully called) has innumerable 
legions of rats, mayonaise, and sorted androids poised to invade the mortal 
realms!  We must join together in a common bond of brotherhood if we hope to
stand against the torrent; nay, the storm that commeth.
Luckily, in the depths of Australia, a small tribe of Aborigonies recognized
this danger long ago and began seeking for a solution.  They were a primitive
people, a backward people even, but they recognized the dangers of the 
corrupt rule of "Jeremy" and the mismanagement of Brian.  They began to scour
the world for a leader, a leader brave and just, a leader ready to lead 
humanity into the greatest age of peace and prosperity this dimension has 
ever scene. Tirelessly they searched, leaving not one stone unturned, not one
leaf unmolested, not one bank unlooted; until they found...  me.
Now my fellow beings, and I say beings because I am speaking to humans and 
llamas and rats and penguins and stinktronians and microbial warrios and 
monkeys everywhere, join with us.  Join the brotherhood of the Derecian Cult,
and fight tyrany and injustice in all forms.  I am the one to lead you.  I am
the one to unite the peoples under a common banner (opposing forces will not
be allowed banners).  It has been proven through the mysteries of "Math" and
"Science", which are to complex for you to understand.  Join with us.  Help
create world peace*.  Reject the machinations of "Jeremy" and Brian.  Serve a
greater good.  Pay your taxes to Your Derek.  Cease beieng, and begin to be.

By the will of the People;
-Derek


*peace as defined in the "3841ND Dictionary" published by DerekSoft®


---



Ha! What do you have to say to that you obtuse oaf!!! Beware mocking the 
granduer of Phil, and Phil's Giant Spoon unless you desire to feel thier slow
and mediocre retribution.

Mu HA HA! Mu ha ha HA! Mu ha ha ha!!!  Mu HA HA! Mu ha ha HA! Mu ha ha ha!!!
Mu HA HA! Mu ha ha HA! Mu ha ha ha!!!  Mu HA HA! Mu ha ha HA! Mu ha ha ha!!!  
Mu HA HA! Mu ha ha HA! Mu ha ha ha!!!  Mu HA HA! Mu ha ha HA! Mu ha ha ha!!!  
Mu HA HA! Mu ha ha HA! Mu ha ha ha!!!  Mu HA HA! Mu ha ha HA! Mu ha ha ha!!!  
Mu HA HA! Mu ha ha HA! Mu ha ha ha!!!  Mu HA HA! Mu ha ha HA! Mu ha ha ha!!!  
Mu HA HA! Mu ha ha HA! Mu ha ha ha!!!  Mu HA HA! Mu ha ha HA! Mu ha ha ha!!!  
Mu HA HA! Mu ha ha HA! Mu ha ha ha!!!  Mu HA HA! Mu ha ha HA! Mu ha ha ha!!!  
Mu HA HA! Mu ha ha HA! Mu ha ha ha!!!  Mu HA HA! Mu ha ha HA! Mu ha ha ha!!!  
Mu HA HA! Mu ha ha HA! Mu ha ha ha!!!  Mu HA HA! Mu ha ha HA! Mu ha ha ha!!!...
[the mocking laughter fades off into the distance]

Brian:  That was creepy.

Jeremy:  Why am I so femine?

Brian:  I don't know, but that explains why those girls keep steeling your
luch money... and why you periodicly cry out in a high pitched voice...

Jeremy:  S..s..s..soooo!  A..a...attt least I write in The Scroll and the 
numerous affilated works...

Brian:  Oh, go whine about it...

Jeremy:   I think I will...[femine whine emits from Jeremies mouth]

end of scene



Written by: Jeremy
Date: Saturday, April 12, 2003 12:18 AM
Subject: Revisting Another Random Email, Revisited

Dear People of this Free World,

Let it be known to the general public that Derek has been sued and has lost
the case for violating the copyright laws when he stole my book "So You Want
To Be Like Jeremy"  He stole my entire book and changed only my name to his,
and a few other things as well.  He has also been convicted of violating
several of the laws of Physics (His powers were irrevocably denied and
outlawed by the passing of the 37th Amendment.)  I would just like to give
you a fair warning that anything that Derek says referring to his
"superiority", "leadership", or "peace" is completely false and is being
used as an absurd brainwashing tactic.  And please also disregard his
insulting remarks about my femininity.  Thank you very much loyal subjects.

 -- Jeremy

PS. Derek and Brian eat poop!



Written by: Derek
Date: Thursday, April 24, 2003 7:01 PM
Subject: Re-Revisiting Another Random Email, Revisited

Ah.  Sometimes I to dream, but my dreams are of world conquest and mass
enslavement*.  I would like you all to note how utterly foolish the writings
of this pompous bufoon are, as well as point out the immense spam-power of
the forward (Hail to Hotmail). 

All I have to say to Jeremy is, "You just lost your job as the Iraqi Minister
of Propaganda.  Have you not figures out why?"  (If not, I suggest you look
at this \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/
/\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\
\/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/
/\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\
\/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/
/\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\
\/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/
/\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\ \/ /\.  [ If you quickly scroll
horizontally the dread sign appears.]) (In case you did not see, the final
reslut looks something like /\)  (Note the volumes of implied mockery;
truly the sign is great.)

Beware the evel machinations of Jeremy my loyal subjects, for he would like
nothing better than to use your souls for thowpieces and to consign you to
the bitterest bondage. Revoke the evil of Jeremy, turn to the Derek.

..-.-..Remember;

Brian is bad and Jeremy is gay, but if you'll just vote for Derek he'll
raise your taxes today!!!

So hurry to your local polling place, and vote** The Derek for World Emperor.



*Dreams not including, halucinations, daydreams, or other abnormal "views"

**If you live in:  AfricaLand®, Ethiopia, SouthEast Asia, Asutralia, The
Philipines, Madagascar, Congo, or any other teritory claimed or owned by
The Derek;  You need not bother to vote, all citizens, slaves, mimions,
and microorganisms are assumed to vote for The Derek.  Of course you may
go to a polling place, In which the levers for Brian and Jeremy do not
work, and assist in the discovery of disloyal subjects.



Written by: Jeremy
Date: Monday, May 19, 2003 12:56 AM
Subject: Re-Revisting Another Revisted Random Email, Revisited Again

Dear Loyal Constituents,

    First I must again advise you of the deceiving devilry in which Derek
has tried to ensnare you with.  Do not be bamboozled by his drug-induced
charms.  He is nothing but a misfortunate, uninfluential, powerless
trash-receptacle trying to coerce you into devoting your time to his
soul-claiming debauchery.  He wants nothing else but to see the world's
populous suffer under his disgustingly egregious misrule.  Do not fulfill
his intentions, do not submit to his fraudulent whim, do vote for Jeremy,
and do take every opportunity to boisterously ridicule Derek.  Now I will
demonstrate the proper way to harness the powers of electronic mail in this
digital age by creating the most incredible chain letter in history.


Brian writes, "Do NOT delete this email.  IT REALLY WORKS!  It can grant you
anything your heart desires.  Besides, if you delete it you might contract
the Ebola virus, that's what happened to my friend.  No really, all you have
to do is think of a wish and scroll down to the bottom.  It's that easy!"

   `*~* MaKe A wIsH *~*`


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D   D   D   D   D   D   D   D   D
E   E   E   E   E   E   E   E   E
R   R   R   R   R   R   R   R   R
E   E   E   E   E   E   E   E   E
K   K   K   K   K   K   K   K   K

I   I   I   I   I   I   I   I   I
S   S   S   S   S   S   S   S   S

G   G   G   G   G   G   G   G   G
A   A   A   A   A   A   A   A   A
Y   Y   Y   Y   Y   Y   Y   Y   Y


~*&^~(*&^(~&*^(~ &*^~
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          VOTE FOR JEREMY!

          VOTE FOR JEREMY!


          VOTE FOR JEREMY!


          VOTE FOR JEREMY!



          VOTE FOR JEREMY!



          VOTE FOR JEREMY!




          VOTE FOR JEREMY!




          VOTE FOR JEREMY!





          VOTE FOR JEREMY!





          VOTE FOR JEREMY!



5










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STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


If you send this to 25 or more people, your wish will be granted, no strings
attached*


If you send this to 20-24 people, Jeremy will show you mercy


If you send this to 10-19 people, you will not be destroyed


If you send this to 3-9 people, you will will have a chance of being
devoured by large rats


If you send this to 1-2 people, you will be devoured by large rats


If you ignore or delete this, you will contract the Ebola virus



`*~* I Hope Your Wishes Come True *~*`


HAIL THE SCROLL!!!

VOTE JEREMY FOR WORLD EMPEROR 2003!!!

http://thescroll.cjb.net


* (by no strings attached I mean that there are strings attached, namely
that your soul will become my property.)



The war is far from over...

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