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The Scroll, Inc. -- Where Money, Intelligence, and Technology collide in a terrible, terrible accident.
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Characters

There are a variety of strange characters, people, and important items contained within The Scroll and The Scroll Chronicles. The Scroll, Inc. cannot expect mere mortals to remember all of these things, so this section of our corporate website is dedicated to helping you remember of this babble.

Derek
(Also known as The Derek; a term derived from the affection of his zealous followers who know that he is to good to be referred to simply as "Derek") Derek, or more properly, The Derek, has led a long and interesting life. He is privy to great secrets and holds knowledge that is far too difficult for the rest of mankind to understand, let alone Brian or Jeremy. The massed adulation he receives stems not only from his possessing such qualities as fairness, intelligence, attractiveness, wisdom, and omniscience, but also from the lavish public spectacles he provides several times a year for his subjects. Many of these performances remain legendary, such as the debate between football players and zeta-minuses (despite the football teams protests that the zeta-minuses were, in fact, members of the Derician Cult in disguise has been largely discredited as an attempt to cover rationalize their loss). The Derek has had the rule of a World Leader thrown upon him, and has done a remarkable job of fulfilling the peoples* will during his outstanding career.

Jeremy
Known to many as either insane or a genius, he has always desired to take over the world since he was a child. Obsessed with weapons of mass destruction, fiddling around with time altering machines, and alchemy, he has made many significant contributions to modern and ancient sciences, including inventing the printing press, the sandwich, the time machine, and the android.

Brian
Debatebly the most coniving of the three, he has ruled multiple empires and has been hailed as a diety by entire continents. Unforutunately, every empire he has controlled thus far has fallen into ruin, not because of mismanagement, (as is the common belief) but rather from the incompetence of the population to be able to carry out the willings of Brian. He now commands the legions of the world's cacti and has devised a new species known as the Zeta-minus.

Zeta-minus
A deformed species of Homo sapien, grown from its embryonic state to be a mindless follower of the Brian. They are approximately three feet tall and have no operable appendages extending from their body. Their IQ ranges from an intelligent 20 to an idiotic 18. Because of this, they don't really do much except struggle to stay upright and breathe. Their communication consists of grunts in which they don't even understand. Despite all of these apparent pitfalls, they are a force not to be taken lightly ("Press Conference with Brian" 2002).

BoBo
An old pet monkey whom The Derek loved dearly, BoBo was destroyed by the evil machinations of Jeremy. As an honor to his beloved pet, The Derek created throngs of mutant chimps whom he led into battle as his right hand chimps. The Leader of the Spawn of BoBo has come to be called BoBo, the title much revered through out all of Derekdom.

Spawn of BoBo
A species of mutant chimp that are fiendishly loyal to the Derek. They are not as fast breeders as the rats or as easily produced as the zeta-minuses, but they are great if you want sheer power. They range in height and weight depending upon the ammount of radiation that was exposed to their DNA strands.
Spawn of BoBo

Bryan
Brian's slightly dumber and weaker, cheese-loving, twin brother. He was tied to a cactus in Brian's place. Brian claimed that "it was a sacrifice he was willing to make" ("Press Conference with Brian" 2002).

Rat
Your basic sewer and/or laboratory rat trained for combat and assault. It has a unique ability to nest in mayonnaise, thus increasing its attack and defensive power by twenty-eight percent.

Packet of Mayonnaise
Mayonnaise brought to life by radiation and packaged in a brooding factory. It is highly toxic and acidic and surprisingly highly agile. It attacks by hurling itself towards its opponent in an attacked dubbed the "Mayo Bomb".
Packet of Mayonnaise

The Cactus
At first an arch-enemy of Brian. He initially was tied to The Cactus by the sinister Derek. With this bain on his back for several years, he eventually learned to tame The Cactus and make it do his bidding. After enslaving Jeremy and forcing him to remove it, he promptly enslaved the entire race of cacti, and they are now loyal to him. Just for clarification, it was a Barrel Cactus.
The Cactus

Android
A humanoid robot that is made to be a replica of a person. Derek, Jeremy, and Brian have used countless numbers of androids to decieve each other and fight wars with. It has been rumored that Brian was never actually able to build his own android so he simply covered his body in metal and put a photograph of his face on the head.

Giant Mutant Rat
A gigantic rat about the size of a donkey that was created using Plutonium or Uranium. These incredible creatures are 10 times stronger than humans and have razor sharp teeth, claws, and tails. These make excellent shock troopers.
Giant Mutant Rat

Giant Mutant Cactus
A giant, mutant cactus, approximately the size of a skyscaper, corporate headquarters building. It was used by Brian to blot out the sun and destroy many of Jeremy's plans. However, it was finally stopped when it was ordered to sleep by Brian, in which it was immediatly devoured by the Spawn of BoBo.

Aborigine
Natives of Australia, these fearsome fighters provide an asset to any army, especially when used as skirmishers, outriders, raiders, or communists.
Aborigine

Stinktronian
A highly advanced extraterrestrial being that is characterized by its enlarged nasal cavity (2 feet in lenght and 1/9 inch in width). Due to this, it has the ability to recognize 10,000,000 distinct smells and it is believed that they feed off of smelling certain objects, i.e. gym socks, new car smell, burnt toast, rice cakes, ect. Although not belligerent in nature, they were trained by their ruler Brian to hate Derek, Jeremy, and all those loyal to them. This race has mastered interstellar travel, eliminated disease so that they may live indefinitely, and have solved the mystery of why the chicken crossed the road. Little is known of these strange beings and was not helped when their planet, Stinktronia, was destroyed by the moon. Many Stinktronians escaped to Stenchtron 7 and it is rumored that some are hiding within Fresh Kills Landfill in New York.

Deremy the Rhino
An ordinary albino African endangered rhino that just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. It was used in an experiment in which Jeremy’s brain was extracted from his body and placed into the gludeas maximal region of the rhino. The rhino had to be tranquilized for the surgery and it then had to wear a cone around its head for a week so that it wouldn’t gore Jeremy (Brian would rather see him tortured than dead). Due to the partial and unrealities, Derek was placed into the rhino’s rear end in another reality. It wasn’t until Brian established the official reality that both Derek and Jeremy were formed into one entity (Deremy) and placed in the rhino. Unfortunately, Deremy was able to take control over the rhino and they proceeded to go on a rampage causing a temporary setback in his rule.

Ham
Throughout the 1000 years of The Scroll Chronicles, Jeremy had a slight fettish with ham. It all started one night when he ran out of mayonnaise and had to eat his Ham sandwich by itself. When it turned out to be pretty good Jeremy decided to use this "Ham" as he "called" it to stop his foes. He particularly liked to pick on Derek with his new weapon. Derek was tied to a giant piece of Ham and locked in a refridgerator. He also tried to exchange Derek's arms for Ham, but it didn't work as planned. Though Jeremy has always been fond of using sandwich products and condiments to attack his enemies, Ham has been a force that has struck fear in the hearts of all men.

Betsey Bayless
There is only a few things to say about this wretched, dirty, uncaring, democracy-loving, tyrant. Ever since Jeremy's first accidental encounter involving two pieces of elongated ham, she has been a great annoyance in the plans of the three heroes. Oh yeah, she almost destroyed the future of the world with her silly political and socio-economical plans.
Betsey Bayless

Hutch
Jeremy's fun-loving sidekick that helped him escape from the Gulag II. He accompanied Jeremy through most of the last two thousand years of his life, helping him with things like getting him a glass of orange juice and having conversations in high-pitched rewind for amusement. Some might call him a slave, but those who are more intelligible would call him a servant... er... faithful friend. Because of his slight annoyance, Jeremy did not take him into the past.

Penguin
Armed with hacked, original, and mimicked fragments of Brians and Jeremies intelligence these are some of the most creative of Derek's many minions. Inhabiting several colonies in Africaland®, these minions have proven to be dimwitted and disterbingly destructive, much like Brian and Jeremy, through thier interactions with the surrounding Tribes®
Penguin

The Three-Cornered Inverted Sphere
A opulent yet inescapable prison designed by Derek during his sojuorns outside of space and time, there has never been an escape. How Jeremy escaped his cell is unkown and may have something to do with the fact that he has many rat-like attributes.

Betsy the Cow
Much has been written about the now legendary figure of Betsy. It can be conlculded that no one really knows how either her fiersome intellect or unbreakable alliegance to the Derek were born. Some of her past exploits include producing the "democracies" that Jeremy ate, as well as constructing a freakishly difficult bush maze.

RANDOM QUOTE
The Scroll and all of its eternal properties and conceptions are ©2002-2003 Jeremy, Derek, and Brian. All Rights Reserved. This website was created by Jeremy Lindblom. The Scroll, Inc. will pursue and destroy all those who choose to violate its laws by any means necessary... yes, by ANY means. MWAH HA Ha ha ha ha!!!
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